my biggest flaw

I, for some reason, had an urge to share today, and as I learned from my blog challenge, I will listen!

In regards to the title of this piece, ask anyone who may know me even a little bit, and I have an inkling they will all say my biggest “problem” or “flaw” is I care too much. Many times it’s about things that, “don’t matter” or “shouldn’t matter”. Or more so, about people who “don’t deserve” it.

Good thing I don’t listen to anyone – maybe that’s another “flaw” lol.

I went to church for the first time in a long time, at my own will even.. << this is a rare occurrence. I was born and raised a Catholic – I still have those services memorized and engrained in my brain.. with the OLD language I might add – none of this “new” Catholic church language for me! lol (totally aging myself here). And let’s be clear, I have nothing against Catholics at all, but structure and methodology only speak to me in yoga. In religion, the only consistent “rules” you should find, are: to Love one another, and Worship he/she who takes care of you. (I say he/she because for many it is the Universe and Mother Earth who takes care of you, and that’s ok – because honestly, the lines of creationism and evolution are very much able to be seen as intertwined, so I never really understood how people could separate the two if you believe in anything bigger, outside of yourself.)

Anywhooo – I am in the process of trying a few congregations to see what feels best for my needs. Until this point, I haven’t been able to find anything ‘inviting’ per-say, since I moved away from Orange County. Not sure where this urge came from, but I gladly accepted it. This particular service that I went to over the weekend, (and I’m sure God knew) was legit, EXACTLY what I needed to hear. Everything from trusting the Lord, to reverting back to old ways because it’s “comfortable” versus taking yourself out of comfort for something larger.

It was relevant in so many ways about how as humans we are all flawed and don’t naturally love or forgive – we feel hate, revenge, bitterness.. And there was a moment where the pastor said something like, “And that’s why I’m not Jesus”, and some one out there let out an “Amen!” which created some laughter because then the pastor stated, “You didn’t have to say it THAT loud”, lol. I mention this because I am hard on myself, and this was a wonderful reminder that yes, I am not God, I am not Jesus, I am NOT perfect. But being imperfect doesn’t mean you can’t at least try to be better.

I have prayed many-a-time to “not feel”. Yet after this weekend I wonder, why is feeling a flaw?! Most sermons consist of learning to forgive, and to love, and to not judge – because we, as humans, naturally do the opposite when we are hurt, embarrassed, or feel threatened. I realized, maybe I’m a better person than I think I am – I am loyal even to those who are not loyal to me, I make time when someone asks something of me, even if they have not given the same in return. And again, if you look deeper here, yes, this leads me to over-give myself without taking..

But c’mon let’s be real here – is the act of taking really something we see of value? That we are proud of? I would hope not, but I understand the concern of [my people] because there “should” be balance – but seriously, those who tell me I give too much.. each and every one of those people were not there for me at one time or another when I needed them. So what does that say about them? If I listened to the people I care about, I shouldn’t give to them either! Because even the closest, most chosen-family of [my people], are still not there for me when I need them sometimes. Because again, we are human, we are not perfect. And trust me, I still wish I didn’t care as much about anything than I do – but I’ll tell you right now, the people I make myself available for, or give to, feel better than when I’m not available, and I definitely feel good knowing I have helped in some way. So it’s a win-win. To always worry about oneself leads us into those moments where we have to look ourselves in the mirror again. Pain and bitterness, as crazy as it sounds, is easy. To be angry and bitter takes no effort – but to love.. if you’ve loved anything, or anyone, you know this is a daily choice – daily, constant, effort. And this is why people tell me I’m crazy to care because I do exert a lot of energy, never mind time to those I care most about.

In the end, moral of the story of the service this past weekend was making sure you are listening for the whispers of God (listen to what the Universe is telling you!) – this I have a hard time with. The pastor continued with, if you don’t listen to the whispers, God may have to sort-of slap you in the face with the message. Blessing in disguise, if you will (or karma, amiright?!) So this made me see myself, where I am, what I do, and if I was “comfortable”. If I was doing things out of comfort because I am in a stressful moment of my life. Was I reverting back to “old” ways? Was I doing things that weren’t really making me better, but just fulfilling an empty space for now? I stopped caring for a little bit, I did things, and planned things in my brain that brought me back to another time. A time of pain. I tried to expose this “better” side of me – which was a complete lie. But I did book an amazing trip out of it, lol (which now I question if it was the right choice?) This past weekend made me care again. Not gonna lie, I didn’t really like it, lol. But if it is my calling to care, then by all means, I will care. Maybe that’s my life’s tragedy: The girl who cared to much. What were those lyrics by The Band Perry?

“Here lies the girl whose only crutch,
Was loving one man just a little too much”

Now don’t be vain, this song isn’t about you.. Lol – but more so meaning there’s my crutch. I give, and I give. I love, and I love. I give to a lot of people who don’t give back. People I love, people I call family. People who think they give enough to me.. but they don’t. This will always be an imbalance in my life. And if I can accept that of others of whom I know are not perfect, then I truly hope if one of you are reading this, that you understand, I will keep caring, and I will keep giving. And I, too am not perfect. And maybe the rest of you readers are like – damn girl, get some new people in your life! Lol! Trust me, I thought that many times – and honestly, I have made some adjustments along the way.

But for those who may have thought that, if you look around you, none of your people are perfect too. But they are your people. For whatever reason they have stuck by your side through good, bad, ugly, and even nasty. And thats why, even if your circle is small, theres always one other person who picks up pieces when another person drops them. We have these people because there is not one person who can fill every crevice of your heart and life. We have friends, we have family, we have children, and parents.. and even pets. And I am blessed to be the pick-er-upper for my people.

Now, if I could just find the right path for my life, that would be awesome..

 

🙂

what’s meant to be will be? right?

How do you ever know what you are supposed to do? Not necessarily the “meaning of life” per say, but just in general when you hit some sort of crossroads or obstacle in the road?

This past month, during all these challenges: Lent, Blogging, Kindness/Fitness – I have been putting myself back together so to speak, in that I finally began focusing on my health again. Stress really holds me down from a lot, and seriously takes a toll on my health in general. Stress takes a toll on everything in general! Whether it’s getting sick with a cold, heart palpitations, or eating issues, something holds me back from life.

The past two weeks in particular, I made a mental change to not allow myself to sink into anxiety, and try and get a workout in, even a small one. I was almost mad at the stress, I was done. I had enough! I wanted to be the happy person I am, and I wanted my pants to fit 😦

Today is one of my better feeling days, probably one of the best recently, and it made me wonder about what my next steps are. Do I ride through the storm of what I call work? See if there is light at the end of the tunnel? Work on a way to maybe stay with the company just doing something else? Do I even want to work at this company anymore? This industry? Have all these been additional signs to tell me something? Or are these just tests to prove stamina? Hindsight is 20/20 and I’m definitely not ahead enough to know yet.

How does one know? Or do we even know. Are there even “signs”? Is it just the courage to try something new? To just “feel” like it will all work out? I’m not getting any instinctual feelings lately, thats for sure. I can’t decide if it’s because I’m so overly stressed that I’m numb, or I just have no clue what to do right now. I also pray – I’m terrible at it though, I will admit. I just never know what to ask, and I never realize things until it’s too late. Or more than instinct, prayer, choice.. do I just allow God and/or the universe to guide me where I’m meant to be? And even so.. how do I know?! I just mentioned, I’m terrible looking for or deciphering signs! GAH!

Well, I do know one thing: I feel a change in the air. I am at a crossroads trying to decide which path is best for tomorrow. And whether the change is from me, God, or the universe, I guess we can only wait and see.

 

🙂

theres only one way to go at this point right?

I’m hoping its UP.

Is it possible to be living opposite of the rest of the world? Like when things are going well for me.. I notice more disappointment and frustration around me.. lots of bad days explained. And, of course, I am not going to begin divulging all my awesomeness about work, life, love, vacation planning, or whatever.. so I enjoy my happiness alone all the while waiting for the rest of the world to catch up so we can share stories.

But like all things, there is also an inverse. So in these moments of self-frustration, and slight-dissapointment in my life, why is it that everyone around me seems to be at the top of their game? I thought misery loved company?! So why is it I always seem to fall at the opposite end of this happy-sad seesaw party..? And of course I never want to make people miserable just so I can be happy again, so all my senses are confused all the time.

I blame it on my natural tendency to be different. I have never followed the pack, expectations, none of it. With being an individual, it sure hits home when I hear that it is lonely at the top. Little do “they” tell you, though (whoever “they” are..) that it’s sure as heck lonely at the bottom too.

And for those of you reading this who know me.. you’re probably all thinking.. “oh Posh.. why are you being overdramatic about small mishaps in your life?!” Well HA I just punked you, because not only have the recent Boston events crushed my little heart, but yah, random rom com moments have happened, disappointments even, but more so, what no one sees.. ok maybe just one person has seen it all with me.. and that person, I KNOW doesn’t think I’m being overdramatic.. because all I have to say to this love-of-my-life-bestie is “FOR REALS?! IS THIS REAL LIFE?! THIS TOO?! UGH.” It’s like my past and present decided to have a pillow fight. Like Carrie said, “The universe may not always play fair, but at least it’s got a hell of a sense of humor.” True story right there.

Because really, if I told everyone, everything that was going on in my life.. where would all my mystery go!? And that also turns into a whole lot of one-sided conversations.. and I don’t like talking to myself.. although it is rather interesting, it’s not nearly as educational or inspiring.

So point being, my inner-disapointments go far beyond what people see or hear from me on the daily. I guess thats an obvious, but you’d be surprised at how many times I’ve experienced an “I know everything about you” moment from people who can barely scratch the surface of the awesomeness that I entail.

Anyway, back to the original question in all this.. Is it possible to be living life opposite of the world? Living as the un-balanced? Is there a reason for this if thats the case? To always provide an opposing side maybe? To remind people that there is always better or worse? To keep other people balanced? I don’t know but I’ll tell you one thing, I surely hope that with all my current internal misery, I’m at least entertaining the rest of you.

Cheers!

“Sometimes life will grab you by the balls and that’s when you have to ask yourself, ‘Do I even have balls, and if so, why are there two?’” ~Chelsea Handler