i want ice cream..

Why..

Why is it there are times when we just don’t feel adequate. And I say feel – 1) because I’m naturally an emotional person, and 2) because it IS just a feeling, isn’t it?

I look in the mirror and I think I’m one of the most beautiful people in this world. My friends think I’m weird because when I cry, I always think thats when I’m the most beautiful. Not because it’s sad and sort of deep moment, but because my eyelashes stay up! amiright?! And if there is one thing I consider my favorite thing about myself it’s my eyes. And they are just an ordinary middle-range brown, but I don’t know, I just love them. They always seem to sparkle in the sun.

We should all think like this of ourselves right? Then why is it, the minute I leave my mirror, or my personal sense of self, and I look around me.. I all of a sudden sink? Why?

What is it about other people, or societal expectations, that can get inside you? And this is coming from a person who refuses to live by anything related to society – and yet, there are moments where I feel the strain, especially when it comes to my sense of self.

I literally went from confidently-tired from being busy at work, to that sort of depressive tired.. and I know y’all know what I’m talking about. Like I just wanted to go eat a pizza garnished with ice cream, and go to bed. Thankfully in my old age – lol – or really just practice and experience, I have learned to not fall into that hole as often. I went to Starbucks, got a salad and a bag of chips, and studied for about an hour and a half.

But then I got home. And I played CandyCrush for like another hour 😐

Ugh. It was just a sunken moment of not wanting to feel or think. I almost felt like I couldn’t stop playing that stupid game because it kept me preoccupied and my mind numb. Just dizzying pieces of candy to take away this gross feeling of not being enough. Where it came from I have no idea, but it happens every so often. Iv’e even asked my bestie for help one other time it happened, asking: “How, when you feel good about yourself, how do you keep that momentum all day/week/month/LIFE?!” Her response: “I guess just try not to get caught up in all the external shit that happens, and makes you feel like you’re not enough.”

That external shit. Thats what I’m talkin about. Go away!

Anyway, I looked at myself in the mirror after that lame ass, sort-of-personally-embarrassing-to-admit-hour of CandyCrush. And you know what I saw? My eyeballs. I thought to myself, there you are, you beautiful unicorn.. Now if I could only find a way to bubble-wrap this feeling and keep me safe from the outside world..

 

 

 

I’m mad at my horoscope..

Lol who else loves a good ‘ol Horoscope?!

As much as they are “for entertainment only”, theres definitely some truth in the stars. People born at certain times of the year carry similar traits. My close circle of friends, for example, are pretty much born in Fall and Winter. Spring babies I’ve always had a harder time understanding, and Summer babies, (Leo’s in particular it seems) are always an extreme – as in extreme likeness, or extreme dislike – there never seems to be a balanced energy with summer babies.

Anyway, I believe in the stars because, well, God made them, so they have to mean something, amiright?! Just as weird things happen during a full moon, and seasons change, our universe is based on cycles of life.. the up, the down, the end, the beginning. This is why I enjoy horoscopes – they provide a dialogue, however true or untrue, that uses the universe’s energy to explain why we do things and what we could possibly do. Because another truth is certain: we all have feelings, and we all create an energy, and this energy affects our surroundings.

So in one of my recent horoscopes, I think was for last week? Or the week before.. It tasked about how I need to get myself out there, hang out with different people, and be social, “It’s your time to shine Aquarius!” And as I found myself immersed in plans, weekend after weekend all through June.. I realized something: As much as being social is an act of togetherness, and putting oneself out there, the people you surround yourself with really make a difference. Just because you are surrounded or engaged with the people around you, doesn’t mean they are good for you. And I think that’s the part I’m having trouble with. I don’t like to say people are “bad” necessarily, but not all people are good for YOU. As people, we are different for a reason, we can’t all be doctors or there would be no lawyers, firemen, teachers, etc.. you get my point. When it comes to the people in your life, Robin Williams said it best:

9628-Robin-Williams-Quote-I-used-to-think-the-worst-thing-in-life-is-to

So knowing the people who provide support, encouragement, and positive energy that compliments your own is important. And I’m not talking specifically about “your people” or your “inner-circle” necessarily. In general, we meet people all the time, and finding out or feeling that some people just aren’t what you need is ok. To consciously continue to surround yourself with the people “who make you feel all alone” is something to be mindful of. Keep in mind, just because these people aren’t good for you, doesn’t mean they aren’t perfect for someone else. That’s how the universe finds balance. One man’s trash is another man’s treasure, amiright?

And this is why I am mad at my horoscope. Lol! Lately, I have been hanging out with so many different people, groups, and parties of my life, and I am now seeing that some people who I thought were “good” for me, actually aren’t. A few that I thought were a support system, actually mock me from behind. And it’s better to know these things of course, but damn that horoscope, if I just kept to myself and my 3 people I like, lol, I would still be living, (sort of a lie I guess) believing everyone is still amazing! And it’s not so much as we all can’t get along, because we can.. It’s just sad to know that I now have to be careful with some people vs others. Because, I at least, still believe in being kind, but that doesn’t mean everyone else is kind.

So per usual, I hope when you read this, it’s a reminder of the good people in your life, and also a side note to try a leave the others alone. More importantly, take a moment and reflect – just as some people are not good for you, you are also not good for some people. Accept that, and understand it’s better to focus on those who don’t feel alone with you ❤

 

 

 

 

 

babies.. the fur kind

Ok, I don’t even know where to start with this..

But I have been actively looking for pup recently since I am a beautifully single, independent, and hard working professional.. that only a pup could love apparently, lol.

And in my searches, a friend of mine shared with me an adoption site, and if I’m being honest here, I wasn’t even thinking about adopting.. but here is where my rant begins..

She pretty much found just about the perfect pup for me, but as a pup-virgin, I of course, began to browse through and see what other pups were out there. Because I only know what is in front of me.. and from what I have been told from others, finding a pup is a connection that just happens – so I also know I’ll have to meet some pups before I really make my decision.

As I am checking out these little fur-baby stories, my whole view on life begins to change. I’m about 11982764% certain now that I will adopt vs another means of pup-purchase. I mean – and I’m sorry to go off on a tangent here, but to start, YES – animals become your family, your babies, if you so choose to call them. They are little fur-balls that, just like children, need to be fed, and taken care of in order to continue living. They need 90% support from something outside themselves to thrive. And I say 90% because I know there are feral cats and lots of animals who survive in the wild (and I’m estimating/exaggerating here, for you technical people – so relax). Point is, when I read something such as, “4yr old who’s owner had to surrender because he is moving and pup can’t come.” I’m just like, I’m sorry?! Is that what people do when they have children, like: Oh gotta move, sorry Suzy, you’re 4 now, let’s go find you a new home. When you make a CHOICE to have and become the “parent” of an animal, (just like children) you then ACCEPT the responsibility that goes with it! I mean, I was casually looking for a new apartment a few months back.. and I was already looking for places who accept dogs! And I don’t even have one yet! #SMH #responsibilityprobs

There was one post that made me laugh though, about 6 pups who were surrendered by the mom’s owner, and whoever posted on the site, legit wrote (not verbatim, but close): “Surrendered by mother’s owner who apparently lets her run loose and sleeps with who-knows-what.” LMAO. I felt bad for those 6, 8-week old pups, but man, was I happy with the honesty there. And the agency, who understands responsibility, also noted that in exchange for the pups, they neutered the mother so this wouldn’t happen again. #SMH #responsibilityprobs

And please spare the mom-shaming of: “Fur-babies don’t count, you don’t have children, its just a dog.. (or cat, or bird, or whatever).” Seriously people?! I mean, I get it.. they are not humans.. but for single people who can’t just pop out a child if they want one, (because you would probably shame them too for not being married #SMH), or even those that have tried, but found they can’t have children, or even have lost their children.. this IS their baby, and might be the only baby they may ever have. So stop judging! Love is Love.

Maybe this is just a responsibility issue.. Either way, the moral of this rant is that animals are family and they are babies. And I think what is a little sad is that more people are inclined to give up on animals because of the idea that they are not humans, therefore, not as “important”. Yet animals are more of babies, than actual babies, because humans eventually grow up and take care of themselves. Animals don’t, they will always need someone to feed them and care for them until they go to animal heaven. So, to see so many who have either been mis-treated or just given up out of irresponsibility, it makes me want to become Miranda Lambert and save them all! This process has officially become hard for me. I now rethink those dreams of winning the lottery.. I might just buy a farm and have like 5 dogs and 3 cats (I think thats the most I could handle.. lol). And then keep donating to shelters and such.

One can only hope I have that ability one day.. Anyway, I have a newfound appreciation for whatever fur-baby I will hopefully be blessed with. Until then, love all babies my friends.. and don’t be irresponsible!

my biggest flaw

I, for some reason, had an urge to share today, and as I learned from my blog challenge, I will listen!

In regards to the title of this piece, ask anyone who may know me even a little bit, and I have an inkling they will all say my biggest “problem” or “flaw” is I care too much. Many times it’s about things that, “don’t matter” or “shouldn’t matter”. Or more so, about people who “don’t deserve” it.

Good thing I don’t listen to anyone – maybe that’s another “flaw” lol.

I went to church for the first time in a long time, at my own will even.. << this is a rare occurrence. I was born and raised a Catholic – I still have those services memorized and engrained in my brain.. with the OLD language I might add – none of this “new” Catholic church language for me! lol (totally aging myself here). And let’s be clear, I have nothing against Catholics at all, but structure and methodology only speak to me in yoga. In religion, the only consistent “rules” you should find, are: to Love one another, and Worship he/she who takes care of you. (I say he/she because for many it is the Universe and Mother Earth who takes care of you, and that’s ok – because honestly, the lines of creationism and evolution are very much able to be seen as intertwined, so I never really understood how people could separate the two if you believe in anything bigger, outside of yourself.)

Anywhooo – I am in the process of trying a few congregations to see what feels best for my needs. Until this point, I haven’t been able to find anything ‘inviting’ per-say, since I moved away from Orange County. Not sure where this urge came from, but I gladly accepted it. This particular service that I went to over the weekend, (and I’m sure God knew) was legit, EXACTLY what I needed to hear. Everything from trusting the Lord, to reverting back to old ways because it’s “comfortable” versus taking yourself out of comfort for something larger.

It was relevant in so many ways about how as humans we are all flawed and don’t naturally love or forgive – we feel hate, revenge, bitterness.. And there was a moment where the pastor said something like, “And that’s why I’m not Jesus”, and some one out there let out an “Amen!” which created some laughter because then the pastor stated, “You didn’t have to say it THAT loud”, lol. I mention this because I am hard on myself, and this was a wonderful reminder that yes, I am not God, I am not Jesus, I am NOT perfect. But being imperfect doesn’t mean you can’t at least try to be better.

I have prayed many-a-time to “not feel”. Yet after this weekend I wonder, why is feeling a flaw?! Most sermons consist of learning to forgive, and to love, and to not judge – because we, as humans, naturally do the opposite when we are hurt, embarrassed, or feel threatened. I realized, maybe I’m a better person than I think I am – I am loyal even to those who are not loyal to me, I make time when someone asks something of me, even if they have not given the same in return. And again, if you look deeper here, yes, this leads me to over-give myself without taking..

But c’mon let’s be real here – is the act of taking really something we see of value? That we are proud of? I would hope not, but I understand the concern of [my people] because there “should” be balance – but seriously, those who tell me I give too much.. each and every one of those people were not there for me at one time or another when I needed them. So what does that say about them? If I listened to the people I care about, I shouldn’t give to them either! Because even the closest, most chosen-family of [my people], are still not there for me when I need them sometimes. Because again, we are human, we are not perfect. And trust me, I still wish I didn’t care as much about anything than I do – but I’ll tell you right now, the people I make myself available for, or give to, feel better than when I’m not available, and I definitely feel good knowing I have helped in some way. So it’s a win-win. To always worry about oneself leads us into those moments where we have to look ourselves in the mirror again. Pain and bitterness, as crazy as it sounds, is easy. To be angry and bitter takes no effort – but to love.. if you’ve loved anything, or anyone, you know this is a daily choice – daily, constant, effort. And this is why people tell me I’m crazy to care because I do exert a lot of energy, never mind time to those I care most about.

In the end, moral of the story of the service this past weekend was making sure you are listening for the whispers of God (listen to what the Universe is telling you!) – this I have a hard time with. The pastor continued with, if you don’t listen to the whispers, God may have to sort-of slap you in the face with the message. Blessing in disguise, if you will (or karma, amiright?!) So this made me see myself, where I am, what I do, and if I was “comfortable”. If I was doing things out of comfort because I am in a stressful moment of my life. Was I reverting back to “old” ways? Was I doing things that weren’t really making me better, but just fulfilling an empty space for now? I stopped caring for a little bit, I did things, and planned things in my brain that brought me back to another time. A time of pain. I tried to expose this “better” side of me – which was a complete lie. But I did book an amazing trip out of it, lol (which now I question if it was the right choice?) This past weekend made me care again. Not gonna lie, I didn’t really like it, lol. But if it is my calling to care, then by all means, I will care. Maybe that’s my life’s tragedy: The girl who cared to much. What were those lyrics by The Band Perry?

“Here lies the girl whose only crutch,
Was loving one man just a little too much”

Now don’t be vain, this song isn’t about you.. Lol – but more so meaning there’s my crutch. I give, and I give. I love, and I love. I give to a lot of people who don’t give back. People I love, people I call family. People who think they give enough to me.. but they don’t. This will always be an imbalance in my life. And if I can accept that of others of whom I know are not perfect, then I truly hope if one of you are reading this, that you understand, I will keep caring, and I will keep giving. And I, too am not perfect. And maybe the rest of you readers are like – damn girl, get some new people in your life! Lol! Trust me, I thought that many times – and honestly, I have made some adjustments along the way.

But for those who may have thought that, if you look around you, none of your people are perfect too. But they are your people. For whatever reason they have stuck by your side through good, bad, ugly, and even nasty. And thats why, even if your circle is small, theres always one other person who picks up pieces when another person drops them. We have these people because there is not one person who can fill every crevice of your heart and life. We have friends, we have family, we have children, and parents.. and even pets. And I am blessed to be the pick-er-upper for my people.

Now, if I could just find the right path for my life, that would be awesome..

 

🙂

another challenge!?

I don’t remember if I had mentioned, but this last week of blogging (daily) I committed myself to a “Kindness Challenge” that one of my fitness friends is hosting. Ultimately the ‘kindness’ portion is more for yourself and treating yourself kindly – because let’s be real, I’m sure many of you reading this probably say awful things to yourself now and again.

But you can get extra points (into a raffle) if you post a random act of kindness to others. I enjoy pretty much all her challenges, but this one is just so fun! Because not only am I being held accountable for what I’m putting in my body, i.e. food and water, but also doing a workout, and keeping kindness on the forefront of your brain.

It’s just a nice little twist to the normal: drink your water, eat your veggies, and do some push-ups! Having an element of positivity keeps me involved, and created a personal motivation to not only being kind to others, but remembering to be kind to myself.

I think that’s where most people miss out. We are naturally inclined to help and be there, and take care of the one’s we love, yet when it comes to self – eh, I’ll just go binge-drink wine and eat mac-n-cheese all day. Not only that, it’s also personal testimony. Ever heard that saying:

brene_love

Or furthermore, “Would you say those things to your best friend? Daughter? Son?” Why don’t we say enough wonderful things to ourselves? We should love US. How is it we live where we give and love, and give and love, but yet we don’t give or love to the ones person who needs it in order to continue giving? Maybe that’s why relationships struggle, or we burn ourselves out. Because it’s one thing to receive from others, but in giving to yourself is a whole different feeling.

This little challenge was a wonderfully fun reminder of how important we are, and how important it is to be kind to ourselves, and take care of ourselves. I hope you all get to add a little kindness challenge to your lives as well ❤

 

🙂

is it really pictures that are worth 1000 words?

Now don’t get me wrong here, I understand the idiom of “A picture is worth a thousand words”. But today, I’m seeing this as more of a life vs picture comparison.

I’ve said this time and again when I am posting on IG or some other social media site, that the photos I am taking, no matter how well they come out, do not give justice to what I am actually seeing with my own eyes. And I know a whole bunch of you out there are like: “Duh, a camera will never be able to express your eyeballs”. But sadly, there are millions and millions of people out there that use photos to express their lives, and do believe these photos provide adequate explanation. And I mean, yah, I love me some good photos to have memories, but I have been careful recently (in the past year or so, hasn’t been too long) in what I am posting, picture-wise, to show a moment or express a feeling of what I am looking at. Or maybe I hear you saying, “You need a better camera, lol”. But I have friends who own “real” cameras, nice ones at that, who still tell me cameras don’t see what your eyeballs do. All a good camera can do is manipulate what your eyeballs see.

It really made an impact when I went to Palm Springs for Christmas this past year. It was a wonderfully adventurous solo-trip, and the first time I had ever been. It was winter, of course, but being from New England I was overly prepared. And I mean, it was only in the 30s-40s on average. For someone who has lived through negative temps and having no power for days, this was not bad at all. I would have taken a winter like that any day! It was a little rainy which made it feel colder, but it was also sunny more than it was rainy, so it was nice. Anyway, as mentioned, I had never been to Palm Springs, so of course I was ready to take a million photos, which I did 🙂

But so many times did I take a photo and it was not what I was seeing! I deleted more than I probably took, because the snow-capped mountains were nothing of what I had seen before, and my camera was not seeing what I was seeing. California has such a wild mix of landscapes, (within a 2-3hr drive no less!) which seriously makes you forget you are in CA sometimes. And I have seen mountains before, beautiful ones in New Hampshire, especially in the fall ❤ But rocky mountains of sort, with snow on them? Nope. And honestly, I have seen these mountains before too, but from afar and never with this amount of snow on them. And boy was it beautiful. It felt like what I imagined CO would be like.

Here is one of my favorite photos from that trip, the pictures were literally taken about 2 hours apart.. Oh California.. #fromDeserttoOcean ❤

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Point is, that was the first time it really hit me – and annoyed me – that all these photos I take (and sometimes share) are just.. eh. Compared to what my eyes see, there is no comparison, and I began to disclaimer my photos. Because, like I mentioned previously, I didn’t want people thinking this was a representation to what I was living.. what I was living was soooooo much better. I also found a new appreciation to putting down my phone and enjoying where I was. Being present. Because this camera will never see what I see.. and I think that’s another point.

This popped in my brain because earlier this morning, I went to brunch, and then spent some time at the beach. It is such a gorgeous day out today, I am trying to find reasons to be outside! When I got to the beach, it was flooded with surfers! More than I have ever seen at this small local beach, so it was a little exciting. The waves looked good, which I assume was the reason for all these men on surfboards (I didn’t see any women). And so, out of habit, I wanted to snap all theses peeps floating, surfing, and waiting for more waves. But when I snapped my little video, you couldn’t see any surfers! But I see them! With my eyeballs! Ugh. Once again I was disappointed in technology. I still posted my snap, but again, with a disclaimer..

I can’t imagine I am the only one who feels this way, but for those who just think I’m crazy, maybe this will have you think differently about what you see, and what your camera sees. I hope this is a little reminder to be present, and enjoy moments – to actually be in the moment, just you, whoever else is there, and with whatever is around you.

 

🙂

girl-bosses can still get a B+

Ok, I know.. sorry! Missed another day, because once again a late night.. on a school night no less! But I am forcing myself awake tonight because yesterday created today.. and it’s important for me to share.

Last night I went to a Women’s Leadership Group that my company hosts for well, women. And the purpose is fairly obvious – my industry consists of a high percentage of men, not only in regular roles but also management. We do however, have two women who hold high ranks, one being our CEO. But because in this particular industry, the majority is men, white men to be more exact, it is nice to have a company that promotes and supports women and minorities to also be successful.

The one thing I took away from last night, which happily created tonight, was that women aren’t really there for one another although the media likes to share women’s marches and protests. In reality, there are many women who openly speak down upon other women, yet call themselves “feminists”. To be part of a women’s movement, whether you call it feminism or something else, you have to actually support other women. It’s not the – Feminism is only for those who believe what I do – movement! Just like the argument of Christians – you call yourself a Christian, act like one.

And I mean don’t get me wrong, there are plenty of women of whom I don’t agree with, for example, I am not a fan of many of the women in current politics. But can we just talk about how for the first time in history it was a woman who successfully ran a presidential campaign? Why are women not acknowledging this? Is it because of the rumors of fake election processes? Is it because you don’t agree with her views? Well we also had a woman who almost became president! Who let me tell you, I was not a fan of myself, but honestly good job to her! You want to know how many girls now believe they can also be president!? But why are people complaining? Oh right, because you don’t agree with her views!? Geez. Those two examples alone provide hope and opportunity for women of the future. No matter who you like, they both are paving the way for little girls on the political spectrum.

In the more everyday atmosphere, why are women who don’t believe in abortions criticized?! What happened to Pro-Choice?! I don’t know if you know this, but NOT having an abortion is still a CHOICE! Where are all the supporting women there?! Or let’s get ugly here, why do women criticize those who have made a conscious decision that they don’t want children?! “But you don’t know until you have one”, “How can you be fulfilled without children!?” Where’s the support of, “Way to make a decision that works for you! (and not for society)”. Because I’ll tell you the sad truth, there are many women who were NOT fulfilled by having children.. millions of them. Sadly, foster care is just one example of that. So why is the woman who understands this within herself, being criticized.. BY OTHER WOMEN!?

It’s a shame really, and because of this, I always had a hard time keeping relationships with other women, because I guess I just don’t think like the “average” woman. But the past two days reminded me of the good ones out there. This event gave a wonderful outlet to share successes and challenges, progress and downfall. And although not all the women there that night were supportive of the whole, it was still wonderful to connect, and re-connect with the strong, sassy 😉 and supportive business women. To find the few who actually believe and support women causes, and women as a whole, no matter what your beliefs, is a wonderful thing.

Because who else can truly understand a woman’s struggle in the working world? Or any “world” for that matter? Not your boyfriend or hubby thats fo’ sho! Which brings me to tonight.. I was able to get together with a couple ladies in my office who also went to the event last night, and although we have known each other for years now, it was always a “show up, work, go home” sort of work-relationship. And that’s ok of course, we all don’t need to be office bffls, but it was just great to actually take time, catch up, and talk about concerns and goals: career goals, personal goals, etc..

The minute you take the time to listen to others, you can find that in all of us, there is strength and meaning. And as a woman in today’s workforce and society, being strong in some way is a necessity. I hope my women readers out there all have someone, or someones, that you can be strong with and who make you stronger. If you haven’t found some yet, keep looking – for as many half-hearted women supporters there are out in the world, I believe there are still more who actually support women as a whole, and the movement for what it’s meant to be. #girlpower

 

 

 

90% is still an A, amiright?!

Gah! I have failed you all again 😦

But also again, it was for wonderful reasons.. I spent time with some of my favorite people, celebrated a birthday (and you know how much I love Birthdays!), and saw Beauty and The Beast with my most favorite people in the whole world. Well, maybe I bribed him, lol – because I paid, knowing I would love the movie more than him. But c’mon, I also chose Batman Lego Movie, and that movie was bomb!

Anyway, I don’t have much insight or news, rather, just sharing that it was definitely a weekend of getting my life back together. I cleaned, did laundry (with still two more loads to go! 😦 ) went grocery shopping, ran some errands.. You know, all the simple things that trick your brain into thinking you have your life in order..! Lol

Stress is still keeping off the track with my heart-break-dancing, but I do have an appointment in a week to get that baby checked. All the small, wonderful moments of the weekend helped ease some thumping though 🙂 I haven’t been this happily tired in a long time 🙂

I hope everyone out there had at least a good moment this weekend, and more so, I hope Monday didn’t take away the goodness ❤

 

🙂

 

“heartbeat! you make me feel so weak!”

Taana Gardner, I feel you girl! Not sure if I mentioned from when I wrote about my stress and anxiety a couple weeks back, but my heart palpitations have come to say hello again. This second time around isn’t as scary, although it does make me feel weak! Because I am a little afraid to run or do anything that exerts energy.

I’ve been meaning to make another doctor’s appointment, but you know, when you for some reason work in an environment that frowns upon time off, and takes no consideration when you do take time off, (in regards to work load) it’s a little difficult to make that a priority or focus. This brings me to one of my favorite quotes:

dalai-lama

My man, The Dalai Lama ❤ I so love this.. and it’s funny because as I wrote those sentences above this quote immediately popped in my brain. Why is this not memorized as a daily mantra?! Because my HEALTH should be my priority.

Ugh. When I have been doing all I can nutrition-wise all the way to drinking up to 50-oz of water a day again, and yet my skin is still dry, brittle, and sunken in.. You’d think I would be more in-tune with the issue at hand. Stress, anxiety, and now these awesome – what I like to call – mini-heartattacks. Why does life need to cost money?

Thankfully, aside from this stress that is pretty much making me sick – wait, you know something?! I was looking at past social media posts recently.. and I kid you not, in the past 5mo I counted being sick about 4 times. FOUR TIMES. That’s almost once a month! Maybe it’s not the weather after all! – I do try and live in the present at all times. Thanks to my 5-minute Journal and noting down what I am grateful for on a daily basis, it does help me to stay present and do my best to take advantage of Today.

Now if I could just find a nice balance of personal priorities and a fulfilling job, I think these palpitations would be gone for good. But why is it of all things that, THAT is the hard part? Why is having a job/career so detrimental to personal life?! When did that happen? Whatever happened to working for a greater good, to make your company proud, to build relationships that last for a lifetime? Now with most people I talk to, it’s not common to have “work-friends” rather just “work-friend” and some times no actual “friends” at all, rather just acquaintances, or just “people I work with”. And many don’t even hang out with these people outside the office or even know anything about their personal lives. We have created an office culture of just showing up to take home pennies with no regard on how this affects us personally (I’m sure certain industries may differ? but my close friends all work in different industries, and it seems to be similar). And by ‘affecting us personally’ I mean working long hours, or running on empty by the time 5pm hits and not putting yourself first.. when the only reason we have jobs is to pay for things.. for ourselves. 

I remember working in environments where managers and employees actually cared about each others well-being. We would get drinks after work on a weekly basis, celebrate birthdays, and baby showers, and weddings! And we hung out on weekends and became actual friends. Because these are the people you see more than your own family amiright!? So it made sense to create relationships.. Or maybe it’s just a New England thing, because I just realized all those work-fam experiences were when I lived in New England. Gah SoCal! 😦 #SoDissapointing

I digress.. sort of.. I just know I’m a little uncomfortable because my heart keeps break-dancing in my chest, which creates fears of being able to make quick movements. And this is created by stress, which is sadly because of my current work environment.

We can do this heart! Got to do some heart-push-ups to keep you strong.. and learn to invest in myself so I stop making you work harder than you need to ❤

 

 

 

continuing on..

So, I’m almost done with this 56-page Positive Psychology book by Hans Henrik Knoop. Lol I want to say I’m a slow reader, but I’m not – this book just makes me have to re-read pages to understand it! I made it to the health section, but what I found even more interesting was a section about hedonic adaptation, which means:

“you get used to good things; they gradually “become the norm” so that you become blind to pleasant and well-functioning things – which seen from the outside could make you seem like an ungrateful wretch.” -HHK

It goes on a little more to talk about, how you may see yourself from the inside during those moments you ask yourself why you are not happier than you are. This was enlightening to me, not because I’ve never heard this before, because I have, but more so, it was wonderful to read that yet another psychologist has to remind us to be grateful for things.  Don’t quote me on this, but I believe it was the Gratitude Diaries by Janice Kaplan that went into more detail about this idea, in regards to: you are happiest when planning something or the anticipation of something. Sort of like planning a trip or shopping.. it’s in the doing that is the highlight versus getting to the destination, or taking objects out of a bag. There have been studies on mental outlook and emotional happiness when comparing these stages, i.e. the doing/planning vs the having. Positive Psychology also mentions this idea, though not as thorough, but the same idea of attaining something versus anticipating it.

I am riding in this boat right now.. I literally just said to a dear friend of mine recently in a conversation, “this is why I can’t have nice things”. Because for me, I am excited about getting something or doing something, but once it comes, I’m like – ok what now? Not only that, my mental state has brought me to a point of going further in the idea that, “something good has happened, now lets prepare for the bad”. I know where these feelings come from, as I wrote earlier in the month, but it still makes me sad. Because if you know me at all, I am probably one of the most grateful people out there. Literally in my 5min journal app (these apps!) every morning it asks me what I’m grateful for.. and the first is always God, second is always “Today”. Seriously, I know that sounds a little lame, but I am that person who reminds people.. there could be the alternative – so be grateful for now, it’s all we have. And maybe my stress has inflicted this, not-as-grateful feeling, or vise versa. Either way, reading another book that discusses this was a lovely reminder.

**Honestly, for those of you reading, if you get a chance, I highly, HIGHLY recommend the Gratitude Diaries. One of my absolute, favorite motivational books. 

I can honestly go on forever about gratitude and gratefulness and how they create happiness/positivity, but I’ll leave you with the basic idea of how Positive Psychology simply explained it:

Remember what you have, even after the planning/buying/anticipating is over. And be grateful for the simple things, always find them fascinating, don’t allow yourself to see them as “normal”. Because normalcy is relative when there are still countries and people without “basics” such as clean water.

When you have the mindset of gratefulness, positivity usually follows close behind 🙂

 

🙂