my biggest flaw

I, for some reason, had an urge to share today, and as I learned from my blog challenge, I will listen!

In regards to the title of this piece, ask anyone who may know me even a little bit, and I have an inkling they will all say my biggest “problem” or “flaw” is I care too much. Many times it’s about things that, “don’t matter” or “shouldn’t matter”. Or more so, about people who “don’t deserve” it.

Good thing I don’t listen to anyone – maybe that’s another “flaw” lol.

I went to church for the first time in a long time, at my own will even.. << this is a rare occurrence. I was born and raised a Catholic – I still have those services memorized and engrained in my brain.. with the OLD language I might add – none of this “new” Catholic church language for me! lol (totally aging myself here). And let’s be clear, I have nothing against Catholics at all, but structure and methodology only speak to me in yoga. In religion, the only consistent “rules” you should find, are: to Love one another, and Worship he/she who takes care of you. (I say he/she because for many it is the Universe and Mother Earth who takes care of you, and that’s ok – because honestly, the lines of creationism and evolution are very much able to be seen as intertwined, so I never really understood how people could separate the two if you believe in anything bigger, outside of yourself.)

Anywhooo – I am in the process of trying a few congregations to see what feels best for my needs. Until this point, I haven’t been able to find anything ‘inviting’ per-say, since I moved away from Orange County. Not sure where this urge came from, but I gladly accepted it. This particular service that I went to over the weekend, (and I’m sure God knew) was legit, EXACTLY what I needed to hear. Everything from trusting the Lord, to reverting back to old ways because it’s “comfortable” versus taking yourself out of comfort for something larger.

It was relevant in so many ways about how as humans we are all flawed and don’t naturally love or forgive – we feel hate, revenge, bitterness.. And there was a moment where the pastor said something like, “And that’s why I’m not Jesus”, and some one out there let out an “Amen!” which created some laughter because then the pastor stated, “You didn’t have to say it THAT loud”, lol. I mention this because I am hard on myself, and this was a wonderful reminder that yes, I am not God, I am not Jesus, I am NOT perfect. But being imperfect doesn’t mean you can’t at least try to be better.

I have prayed many-a-time to “not feel”. Yet after this weekend I wonder, why is feeling a flaw?! Most sermons consist of learning to forgive, and to love, and to not judge – because we, as humans, naturally do the opposite when we are hurt, embarrassed, or feel threatened. I realized, maybe I’m a better person than I think I am – I am loyal even to those who are not loyal to me, I make time when someone asks something of me, even if they have not given the same in return. And again, if you look deeper here, yes, this leads me to over-give myself without taking..

But c’mon let’s be real here – is the act of taking really something we see of value? That we are proud of? I would hope not, but I understand the concern of [my people] because there “should” be balance – but seriously, those who tell me I give too much.. each and every one of those people were not there for me at one time or another when I needed them. So what does that say about them? If I listened to the people I care about, I shouldn’t give to them either! Because even the closest, most chosen-family of [my people], are still not there for me when I need them sometimes. Because again, we are human, we are not perfect. And trust me, I still wish I didn’t care as much about anything than I do – but I’ll tell you right now, the people I make myself available for, or give to, feel better than when I’m not available, and I definitely feel good knowing I have helped in some way. So it’s a win-win. To always worry about oneself leads us into those moments where we have to look ourselves in the mirror again. Pain and bitterness, as crazy as it sounds, is easy. To be angry and bitter takes no effort – but to love.. if you’ve loved anything, or anyone, you know this is a daily choice – daily, constant, effort. And this is why people tell me I’m crazy to care because I do exert a lot of energy, never mind time to those I care most about.

In the end, moral of the story of the service this past weekend was making sure you are listening for the whispers of God (listen to what the Universe is telling you!) – this I have a hard time with. The pastor continued with, if you don’t listen to the whispers, God may have to sort-of slap you in the face with the message. Blessing in disguise, if you will (or karma, amiright?!) So this made me see myself, where I am, what I do, and if I was “comfortable”. If I was doing things out of comfort because I am in a stressful moment of my life. Was I reverting back to “old” ways? Was I doing things that weren’t really making me better, but just fulfilling an empty space for now? I stopped caring for a little bit, I did things, and planned things in my brain that brought me back to another time. A time of pain. I tried to expose this “better” side of me – which was a complete lie. But I did book an amazing trip out of it, lol (which now I question if it was the right choice?) This past weekend made me care again. Not gonna lie, I didn’t really like it, lol. But if it is my calling to care, then by all means, I will care. Maybe that’s my life’s tragedy: The girl who cared to much. What were those lyrics by The Band Perry?

“Here lies the girl whose only crutch,
Was loving one man just a little too much”

Now don’t be vain, this song isn’t about you.. Lol – but more so meaning there’s my crutch. I give, and I give. I love, and I love. I give to a lot of people who don’t give back. People I love, people I call family. People who think they give enough to me.. but they don’t. This will always be an imbalance in my life. And if I can accept that of others of whom I know are not perfect, then I truly hope if one of you are reading this, that you understand, I will keep caring, and I will keep giving. And I, too am not perfect. And maybe the rest of you readers are like – damn girl, get some new people in your life! Lol! Trust me, I thought that many times – and honestly, I have made some adjustments along the way.

But for those who may have thought that, if you look around you, none of your people are perfect too. But they are your people. For whatever reason they have stuck by your side through good, bad, ugly, and even nasty. And thats why, even if your circle is small, theres always one other person who picks up pieces when another person drops them. We have these people because there is not one person who can fill every crevice of your heart and life. We have friends, we have family, we have children, and parents.. and even pets. And I am blessed to be the pick-er-upper for my people.

Now, if I could just find the right path for my life, that would be awesome..

 

🙂

90% is still an A, amiright?!

Gah! I have failed you all again 😦

But also again, it was for wonderful reasons.. I spent time with some of my favorite people, celebrated a birthday (and you know how much I love Birthdays!), and saw Beauty and The Beast with my most favorite people in the whole world. Well, maybe I bribed him, lol – because I paid, knowing I would love the movie more than him. But c’mon, I also chose Batman Lego Movie, and that movie was bomb!

Anyway, I don’t have much insight or news, rather, just sharing that it was definitely a weekend of getting my life back together. I cleaned, did laundry (with still two more loads to go! 😦 ) went grocery shopping, ran some errands.. You know, all the simple things that trick your brain into thinking you have your life in order..! Lol

Stress is still keeping off the track with my heart-break-dancing, but I do have an appointment in a week to get that baby checked. All the small, wonderful moments of the weekend helped ease some thumping though 🙂 I haven’t been this happily tired in a long time 🙂

I hope everyone out there had at least a good moment this weekend, and more so, I hope Monday didn’t take away the goodness ❤

 

🙂

 

to forgive, or not to forgive {edited draft}

The idea of forgiveness I’m not against, but I absolutely can’t stand how people make excuses for it. Here’s the basic definition of Forgive via a dictionary:

forgive: verb | for • give |

: to stop feeling anger toward : to stop blaming

: to stop feeling anger about

I’ve talked before (not sure if I did on this blog) that “Life is simple, it’s the people that make it complicated.” Because, talk to anyone about forgiveness and you’ll get everything from the basic answer above to several misconstrued answers that have nothing to do with forgiving at all, but instead are excuses or explanations based on a current situation.

This perception thing really hurts my soul too.. because in life, I understand that we all see things differently but,  2 + 2 will always equal 4. There are many constants in this life are are just plain fact, but with the evolution of the human mind, we use that to convolute our ideas as to why we do the things we do vs just owning the fact that we are making excuses – for whatever reason. “Because I love them”, Because it’s my child”, “Because its my Mother” , “Because.. work”. Whatever the reason, its still an excuse vs facing reality. But that’s a whole other blog post..

I digress..

Anyway, life IS simple, so is forgiveness. To forgive is simply to stop blaming and feeling angry about something. Forgiveness isn’t allowing that person or event back in your life. Forgiveness isn’t second chances. Forgiveness isn’t a blank slate. Forgiveness itself is an act, a verb – a doing of something. Therefore second chances, or allowing someone to continue to take from you in a negative way, have nothing to do with the act of forgiveness. Those actions are separate in themselves. For example, you can’t run and skate at the same time, those are two actions that are separate from each other. Most actions are this way.. Even eating and drinking.. you can argue – you take a sip of a beverage while chewing – but if you notice, you can’t chew and swallow at the same time. Again.. two separate actions.

Whether it’s me being a Christian, or just being a good person, I believe wholeheartedly in forgiveness and to forgive often.. but I don’t go inviting negativity back into my life. In being a good person, you love thy neighbor, and be kind to one another – but nowhere in those teachings does it ever say go bring back negative parts of that into your life. So when I hear, “I forgave them, thats why we got back together” or “I forgave them, that’s why I’m trusting them with my car again.” Do as you please, but if that situation was not positive in the first place, forgiveness will not make it better. Because again, forgiveness does not change anything in itself. That is a separate action and on top of that, effort, in order for something to change.

This is partially why so many expectations become disappointments. People think to forgive means it’s all better, like it never happened. It did happen, and there are still feelings involved even if anger isn’t one of them. Forgiveness opens yourself to happiness and hope, it allows you to find peace.. Not empty more space for the negative.

So go on forgive, but don’t forget. In all, forgiveness is an action for yourself, to let something go, but the reality of it all is that it is still there – it’s just that anger is no longer associated with it. Allow forgiveness to do what its meant, remove blame and anger – which in turn should move you into happiness and letting go.

 

 

don’t marry me {draft}

i don’t ever want someone to ask me to marry them.

i want someone to ask me to love them for longer than eternity.

i want someone to ask me to stand by them until we both can no longer stand.

i want someone to ask me to be a part of their soul for a thousand forevers.

i want someone to ask me to give of myself to them until it is no longer humanly possible.

i want someone to ask me to take adventures with them for as long as memories will last.

 

I don’t ever want someone to ask me to marry them.

I don’t want until death do us part.

I want more than “marriage”.

I want only death to part us, but for forever to hold us.

its that time.. that should be happening ALL the time..

Come November of every year.. everyone and their second cousin (all of a sudden!) starts to become ‘thankful’.. Posting things on social sites of thankfulness throughout the holidays (what happened to the rest of the year!?).. And knowing theres not much I can do to stop this, I guess I’ll just embrace it, knowing that hey, if people can only bring it upon themselves to be thankful and hopeful just two months out of the year, then I guess thats better than no months at all. So go ahead world! – start over-posting and filling my pages with your ‘thanks’ for two months – then come January (or Black Friday for that matter) go back to being ‘normal’.

Aside from my normal crap I blog and post about (being thankful and blessed constantly, appreciative of love – which I know most people are bored of all year long.. until, well, now – because I guess this is normal protocol just for the holidays) I do feel an overwhelming sense of extra thanks and love. And well, maybe thats why most people hold off till the holidays to express this as well (although I’m not saying it’s ok, because, as mentioned, we all really should be ‘bored’ with this thankful ‘crap’ all year long).

 

Anyway, I digress – the point of this post is to sort of play catch-up. Like I mentioned, I too, get extra sentimental this time of year, and I wanted to participate in what some people are doing this month – A ‘gratitude’ or ‘thankful’ challenge the month of November for 30 days. Since I’m so behind, I decided I can wrap this up in one – LONG – blog post and list 30 things I am thankful for this year. Keep in mind, this is/was hard for me considering I’m thankful daily (I know, I know – barf), so to narrow down my top 30 is like trying to pick 30 of my favorite birthdays! #impossible Haha, but I’m gonna try.

And to be honest, I literally updated this list like 5 times 🙂

 

In no particular order – This past year, I am thankful for:

1. waking up every single day: Given the fact that tomorrow is never a promise, I am thankful that God continues to give me more time on this crazy planet – everyday has definitely been an adventure.

2. learning to love someone: Although I am in a sad situation of loving someone who may never love me back, it’s amazing to learn how real love can actually calm you. Just knowing someone is healthy, happy, and doing well, is like a good drug – say, like coffee! 😉 And you learn to understand that it doesn’t matter how you fit into their lives, so long as you are able to continue to be a good part of it.

3. love: Yes, this is separate – because love alone transcends across many parts of our lives. Love of friends, love of co-workers, love of self, love of coffee, love of owls.. I can go on.. but you know what I mean. Just knowing love exists in some form, is grand.

4. Jeffrey Scales: Enough with the shocked faces people. Jeffrey is an amazing person. Amazing. Those who know him, probably know this already. After all this time, he is still annoyed with my unconventional way of thinking/life, and is still able to make a joke out of anything. On top of that, he genuinely asks how me and my crazy family are. That’s what I am most thankful for – he’s genuine. It’s not easy finding people who are real. And although most of our communication now is through work means, it’s a blessing to still be able to keep in touch and know we are still friends on some level. Thank you, for being you, Jeffrey.

5. new england: I know I ran away from you off to the land of hippies and lengthy coastlines, but the thanks I have for your seasons, food, patriotism, sports, holiday embrace, and traditions, can’t be expressed into words. I just cry about it now haha 😉 This would’ve been #1 if I had to rank it. I do love the move I made, but the things I have listed you can’t find anywhere else.. It’s what I miss most (second to my peeps obvi!)

6. work: The past year of work has been.. tumultuous to say the least. I am not doing what I love, but I sure have learned a lot and put myself through a lot of tests – literally and figuratively – I am grateful though, for the people I have met, the paychecks, and the experiences that have provided me a new perspective on what I want for myself, career-wise. Overall, it has been a huge learning experience.

7. food: As a self-proclaimed foodie, I am so thankful for all the new food experiences I have had. Gem deserves a HUGE thankful part of that, and so does James – more so for my everyday eating habits. I learned how to actually prepare food for work, and learned a lot about how to manage what my body needs. It’s still a learning process daily, but I am just so thankful I know how to eat such great stuff.. and know the difference #foodsnob 😉

8. owls: Ok, I mean, here’s another that probably needs no explanation. I freakin love owls! They are a little treasure of my life and I’m thankful there are so many awesome things that can come in owl-form.

9: God: 9 is a Holy number, so I gave it to God. 🙂 I know theres a lot of God-talk (or more so, non-God-talk) out there, and if you read the book, Eat, Pray, Love, the moment where she speaks to God the first time, braking down on her bathroom floor, crying.. She explains why she calls it, ‘God’ the end of that section has a line, “What kind of God do you believe in?” my answer is easy: “I believe in a magnificent God.”” Yes. Just, yes. Elizabeth Gilbert did a fantastic job describing how and why she prays and why it’s to God. I can relate 110%. God is also a comfortable name for me. Either way, THANK YOU to God, who has helped me through the best and the worst this life could give me. Thank you for continuing to give me a chance to make myself better, and be better to others. Thank you for always being there, even though I’m a terrible listener sometimes. Thank you for continuing to be patient with me – even though I still struggle with that virtue. Thank you, too, for teaching me in the past year about the many things we don’t know, and how it has made me realize, to just do me.. because thats all I can do. And that those who judge me – fail to look at themselves first. This in turn, made me look at myself as well.. first.. before potentially judging. And of course, thank you, to God and the universe for always keeping me on track – and for providing a beautiful world to look at. More so, for teaching me to appreciate the simple things – seasons, first snow fall, sun sets and sun rises, rainbows, rain, all the things nature gives us – it really is a beautiful life.

10: yoga: Although there are only like 2 instructors where I practice that allow me to use yoga for my benefit, the practice itself I am extremely thankful for. It allows me to not think, and provides a great practice of mind/body connection that I have a hard time finding in other activities. It’s my form of meditation – even though I practice Bikram which ultimately is just working out in a sauna and sweating profusely – it allows me to find calmness in my hectic emotional frame. It’s sort of amazing how much anxiety I can let go of after a class. I just wish I had time to go more often..

11: wine: Need I say more? Thank you to all the grapes in the world that make this amazing beverage which helps me keep my sanity, allows for great dates, great conversation, and the best booze while you are eating well. 😉

12: coffee: Ok here’s another. Haha.. Whats that quote? “Lord give me coffee to change the things I can change, and wine to accept the things I can’t.” So really this goes hand-in-hand with wine. 😉 Another thing I thank coffee for is the fact that it calms me. I know it’s strange, but I can drink coffee before bed.. and nothing relaxes me more than a good cappuccino after dinner. I don’t know what it is.. but coffee is my tangible anxiety release.

13: birthdays: duh. You knew this was coming.. Haha! Everyone should be thankful for Birthdays! I know everyone is sick of me saying this, but you can’t deny the truth: To celebrate another birthday, at the very least, means you can celebrate another day on this earth. Ultimately, being thankful for birthdays is just another way to be thankful for life.

14: Mish: Per usual, I think of you and cry #typical. Haha! Another one of my genuine people – thank you for keeping me close to you, even after I ran off to coast of the West.. You have been my greatest rock this past year. You are the one constant in my life that, even through a month or two of not speaking, can still keep me grounded through just a text for Facebook post. (I seriously only keep it for you – I’d get rid of it otherwise) I don’t know how we do it, but it’s true, just thinking of you makes me better. You always know what to say – because, like me, you get it. You take time to understand. You never tell me what I want to hear, and not even necessarily what I need to hear either.. it’s just.. the Truth. #loveyou xoxo ❤

15: flowers: I mean, how can anyone NOT be thankful for flowers. They are a beautiful, living reminder that the universe is amazing and filled with wonderful things. I have never seen anyone who either finds a flower, or was given one, that didn’t light up even just a little.

16: fairytales:  My goodness, I am SO thankful for fairytales. As a hopeless romantic, fairytales are a non-negotialble. In fact, everyone should read this when you get a chance: http://thefickleheartbeat.com/…/11/02/why-fairy-tales-exist/ You’re welcome.

17: Stevie Ray: Yes, Stevie, I am so thankful for you! Although we met only once (the first year I moved to SoCal) you have been a part of my spiritual life every since. From that day you made me tear up talking about my life and spirituality, to now, with me tearing up just typing this! Haha.. your spirit has been with me in tough emotional times. Even the moments I chose not to ask for your prayers, I know you are/were at least thinking of me. Thank you for being my spiritual soldier, and I pray for the best for you and your journey. ❤

18: country music: Although I love country anyway, with going through a breakup the past couple months, country music really spoke to me. I had a new appreciation for the story-telling that comes with the music. Comparatively, it is way more realistic for my breakups, and how I am in general, vs other types of music that embrace threats, revenge, fighting, drama, torture, manipulation, sleeping with friends – or just sleeping with everyone.. I can go on – and not gonna lie, those other songs are sort of fun, but just not my style and how I realistically deal with my relationships (of any kind really).

19: Sweet Elle Cafe: My goodness.. for those who know me, do I even need to explain this?! Haha.. best.cafe.Ever. Thank you, thank you, for just being there, and not sucking. Haha 😀 You have the best baristas, best coffee options, best atmosphere, and with the updates and re-models, it’s even cozier. I remember the first time I ever stepped into this little cafe – theres a bookshelf wall filled with books that I stared at.. and I never wanted to leave – but I came about 15min before closing haha so, well, I had to leave. But now this place is like home. I’m glad everyone knows my name and this is my version of Cheers. I’m thankful for Grace, the owner, for having the vision and dream to run this cafe – because people like me, who need a second home.. and good coffee.. really, REALLY, appreciate it. I should also do a mini shout-out.. it’s only right.. without Daniel, I never would’ve known about this place – so thank you too, to Daniel for the recommendation. 🙂

20: Michelle: My hairdresser. Yes, I am VERY thankful for you! Haha 🙂 I moved to SoCal and began a new life, new job, new doctors, new cafes, new hairdresser.. Well, my first experience was a butchered job that cost me over $100 just for me to cry for about 4 month. It felt like forever before I even had the nerve to look for someone new. And I’m so happy the stars aligned and I found you. You saved my locks, and fixed the awful cut that made me look like my 6th grade class photo. Not only that, but color my hair to perfection as well. The best thing about you is your soul. It’s so beautiful, considerate, and honest. I’m so happy I get to see you every month.

21: Sarah: She waxes me. Haha, I know some of you reading this are like.. Really Kara!? But, yes, really. Again, moving to an entirely new state where my normal product and services are now 10,0000-mi away (I clearly exaggerate), was/is very hard. And this, was probably the worst service to look for. For those of you who are waxing enthusiasts as myself, this isn’t something you just find and are like – oh yah, eeny, meeny, miney, mo! I’ll just ‘try you out’! No.. it’s like finding a doctor. If someone is looking at you like no everyday person looks as you, you want them to, well.. for one, not be creepy, and two.. not be creepy. Sarah is awesome, the best thing about her is that, unlike other estheticians I’ve had in the past (who were still good, don’t get me wrong) she has real conversations with you to make this somewhat awkward experience, well, not so awkward.

22: the sun: I don’t know if I even need to write much about this. Everyone should be thankful for the Sun, especially if you live, or have ever lived in the NorthEast (Vitamin D!). Thank you, for literally making my world go ’round.. and for making the sky beautiful.

23: pain: Yes, pain. Whats that amazing quote from Grey’s Anatomy, “Why do I keep hitting myself with a hammer? Because it feels so good when I stop.” Exactly. I have felt a lot of pain this year, physically and emotionally. Physically, it has taught me how much I can do with myself and how much my mind is involved with strength. Emotionally, I’ve learned to be more appreciative, patient, and stay humble.. This way, everything is a happy surprise.

24: Eric & Amy: I am so thankful for the past two years being able to live the closest to my brother than I have in a long time. You see, he’s in the Army, and just recently I’ve been able to visit twice a year compared to my usual once-every-other-year. What makes this even more thankful is being able to be a part in my nephew and nieces’ lives. It may be a small part, but at least they remember me now when I visit compared to the first couple of times, like when I met the twins for the first time.. were already 2! 😦 Anyway, I’ve learned a lot about my brother, and have been so grateful to see him raise a beautiful family, and even better, do this with his amazing wife. Seriously, I am so thankful for Amy too because, I have never met a more determined mother-of-4 who runs like a champion, looks amazing, and all the while is home-schooling the kiddos, getting another (you heard me, another!) degree, and being a wife & mother. I’ve said this a bazillion times about Amy, but it’s true – If I was seriously just half as determined and focused as she is, I’d be doing way better things in my life, and look damn good too. So thank you for proving that even with some of the hardships the military throws at you with raising a family and making ends meet, you both are able to do this, and although it may not be easy, you make it look that way. Thank you for being amazing people to ‘look up to’ in my adult life.

25: the ocean: My first love. I’m thankful because it is the one constant I have always had access to my entire life. It’s a part of me. I grew up with it in the West.. learned with it in the East.. and now I find comfort with it.. back in the West. Since I was a child, I have loved the ocean and all that it entails – sand, rocks, the comforting sound, and the mysterious depths. The ocean is fascinating to me. In one hand, it’s where I go to play, and relax, and even cry and meditate. On the other hand, it scares me to no end, not because I’m a bad swimmer, but more so the uncontrollables. Currents, waves, sudden deep pools, so many unknowns that can literally swallow you up. It has been a great metaphor to life.

26: Paul:  OH.MY.GAWWWD. Paul, I seriously have no words to describe the appreciation I have for you in the last year and three months that we have been living together. Well ok, I have a few 😉 I am so absolutely thankful that you put up with me to start. Haha.. and that you are so giving, and helpful, and considerate. You are constantly thinking of others. I’m not gonna lie, there are plenty times where I’m annoyed with you 😉 But aside from my occasional bitchiness, you seriously have done nothing but try and help make my life better. I can’t name many people who are happy – and willing! – to go and get a drink with me when I am red-faced angry. I also don’t know many people who drive back home to make juice for unappreciative guests.. that you barely know for goodness sakes! #gah! I am just so thankful that we are friends.. and that it’s you who is on my emergency contact list.. haha. You are seriously the most caring person I have ever met, and not just to me, but to every single person in your life – from friends to family – I swear your goal in life is to make them ALL happy.. ALL at the same time! I have no doubt that you would probably succeed in that anyway, you’ve probably already done the math to support it 😉 So thank you.. thank you for being you.. and being awesome.  Anyone who has been lucky enough to have met you should be thankful. And if they aren’t.. well then.. they just suck.

27: genuine people: If you have ever been lucky enough to speak to someone who is genuine, man does it seriously change your perspective on life. So often do people ask the simple question of: “How are you?” Many of these people you consider friends.. and more times then not, they really don’t care.. it’s just an obligatory question. Shame isn’t it? Why do people ask questions when they don’t even care for the answer? Or worse even, begin to lecture you when they don’t get the answer they want. Well, please believe me when I say this, but when you do talk to someone who asks, even that simple question, and it’s a genuine request.. your heart flutters. It’s strange. You no longer have to whip out the (sorry for my language, but it’s true) bullshit answer of, “I’m good!” You can actually answer with how you actually feel. And I do understand that sometimes we are just ‘good‘. But more times than not, there is some aspect in your life that isn’t.. but yet generally speaking, bringing that detail up makes you a debbie downer – or causes discussion on ‘how to make you NOT feel that way’. Point is, THANK YOU to those who actually mean it. Thank you for providing yourself as an outlet for a possible miserable response. Thank you for just plain caring.

28: reading/writing: I love both of these and am so thankful for them for the mere fact that both provide a chance to get away. It’s an outlet to get away from the world for a minute. To escape into a story and either lose yourself in a character by reading, or let go a little of yourself by writing. Thank you for giving me an exit from this ‘real’ life and making me a mini fangirl.

29: James: I guess I should be thankful for the one I love, Haha..! Thank you for teaching me how to be patient.  Thank you for having a beautiful soul and giving me a opportunity to be a part of understanding it. Thank you for this inexplicable friendship/relationship we have because you made me see that it only matters to us and no one else needs to understand it. Thank you for enlightening me with a whole new meaning about saying ‘Sorry’. Mind. Blown. Thank you for teaching me about fitness and always answering my random questions about the shelf-life of ground-beef, or the carb percentage of an apple, haha.. #seriously. Thank you for breaking my heart. Sounds crazy, but without that I never would have learned what my heart was capable of. And of course, thank you for being you. I have never met someone so determined (and stubborn haha) to live life on their own terms than you. I can argue a million ways on the pros and cons to that, but it doesn’t matter. You do you.. and that’s what makes you amazing.

30: ME!: I’m just amazing. The End. Haha, but really I am so thankful for myself. I am thankful that I am strong enough not to conform to societal norms. I am thankful for being a sarcastic, hysterical, and sometimes bitchy person. I am thankful that I am a good person, that I am thoughtful, and that I am considerate of others even though sometimes people may take advantage of that. I am thankful that I love unconditionally even though people think that’s crazy. Because, thats not crazy, thats what love is supposed to be like. I am thankful that I know my limits and realize the people who are worth keeping close, and learning when to just close the door.. but always keeping the window open.. (only some of you get that 🙂 ) I am so thankful of the lives that I have touched, and more so, those who have touched mine.  I am thankful for being an original (I know there aren’t a lot of people out there like me) and I’m thankful for being a optimistic-realist. And I am so thankful that I love myself. Without me, I can’t love others, or flowers, or coffee, or owls..

 

 

To summarize, I am thankful for the people in my life. I am extra thankful to the genuine ones. I am thankful for the simple things in life, and thankful for the things I don’t understand. I am just downright thankful for life. I am thankful for today, yesterday, and definitely tomorrow.. because those are never a definite. Just, thank you. Everyday, Thank You.

And of course, a special THANK YOU – to this blog, and to all my readers.. you definitely don’t have to read my crap all the time, and all the posts that have sucked. But you do. I just hope there’s at least one in there that you have enjoyed, or learned from, has inspired you, or at least smiled from. Thank you.

 

Happy Thanksgiving – remember to be thankful everyday ❤

Cheers!

just another random sunday..

Being sick just weeks before Thanksgiving really made me stop to re-group. I have a trip planned to visit my brother and his farm of children for the holiday (there’s four of them), never mind the pre-made plans I have to meet up with a friend visiting from out of state just days before that! I just can not socially afford to be sick right now. Also, being this the first time I’ve been sick since becoming single was sorta making the whole situation worse.. but at the same time, made me focus more on kicking this thing.

Anyway, I have done absolutely nothing this weekend. And by nothing, I mean I slept in as long as I could on Saturday and forced myself out of the house for a few hours just not to feel emotionally miserable. I’ve been living off of vitamin C, soup and tea, and the extra sleep definitely did a body good. Waking up today (Sunday) was a relief. Knowing myself, however, I knew not to get too excited because my normal protocol when feeling better is usually to go do a MILLION things. Why? you may ask.. well.. because I’m feeling better dammit, I can do anything! Right? Thankfully, I have learned that never works, because I usually end up ill for about 5 more days when I push it. So instead, to fill my need of adventures and activities, I went to breakfast at my favorite diner with the roommate, and then like a good little sick girl, took myself back home. Understanding my need to get better, I decided this is a perfect opportunity to finally unpack the residual boxes that had been collecting dust in my bedroom.

**Note: I moved over a year ago.. no big deal. Can we say procrastination?

This residual mess I had just sitting in my room was a number of things – divorce papers, tax documents, a lot of pictures, books, and some random things. I had recently been given a much-needed book shelf (recent = 3 months ago – just emphasizing my procrastination haha) and finally put it to good use.

In my sorting, dusting, and organizing.. I ran into several things that made me wonder why I kept any of this stuff. Of the questionable items were pictures, (ugh unfortunately many of them) of a lot of exes. Some still providing great memories, while others reminding me why I’m crazy sometimes. This got me to thinking.. should I just shred all this? Now mind you, I’m a memory keeper – meaning that I have about 6 memory boxes starting back from college, (thats about 15 years worth – ewww I’m showing my age haha!) and I still save stuff to this day – cards, pictures, ticket stubs, event tickets, you name it, if I think it holds some sort of value to my life, then it’s a keeper.

The stuff that sort of pinches my insides are the hardest – do I keep it as a reminder? To remind myself what never to do again? Or is it worthless because I mean, in the end, who is gonna keep it all anyway?! You see, never mind myself, but there are photos from weddings of friends who are also now divorced, many of those friends I don’t even talk to or even know where they are anymore. Photos of trips, and events with exes, other family member exes.. etc.. so strange. Again, some of them were great to remember.. others, (honestly, I’m pretty proud of myself for this – I had already cut out the exes from the photos or just removed them and stuck them in a ‘random’ pile. Yup, I was that girl – I will cut you out of pictures.. Mmwuaahahaha!) those others.. they just, I don’t know, it wasn’t pain, it was more annoyance. I kept saying, Ugh, jerk – never again! Haha, but for my soul, it was a great reminder of how much better my choices have been. To be clear, I did decide to shred some photos.. of duplicates, and some that just had no need to stay in my brain’s ‘memory box’.

Thankfully with technology, (or maybe NOT thankfully..) nowadays, the most you can do is delete photos anyway – yet as we have learned – they are never deleted for good. Which I guess sort of helps my idea of saving of such things that, Hey, if the internet keeps it forever, I guess I can too. It was definitely a strange journey through the pictures that start from the 6th grade – when I was still living in SoCal (the 1st time) – I pretty much spent about 2 hours reliving my entire late childhood and my transition into adulthood. Gonna be honest, it was slightly awkward at times haha. I had some good stuff to show my roommate too, and overall, I was pretty happy to finally get through it. Honestly, there was a part of me that was scared at what I’d find. But hey, if wedding certificates paper-clipped to divorce decree’s aren’t scary anymore, then really, what could possibly be in there that could still scare me?

I guess my point in all this, even for someone like me who loves tomorrow – I am a planner by nature, and you can’t plan without tomorrow! You also can’t have new beginnings without today! – As much as we/I want to keep yesterday far behind us and focus on the now..and plan for tomorrow.. the past never seems to go away.. Sometimes it even finds you after a few years just to remind you of how far you’ve come – or maybe for some, and in some cases for me – to show you how much further you can go. It’s a crazy life we live, and all you can do is keep learning, keep trucking, keep remembering that it is all yesterday. We are constantly in the past, in yesterday.. That second it took to write that last sentence, yup already the past. Interesting isn’t it? So why be afraid of it? We are constantly living in it.

See what happens when I get sick? I think too much. Happy random Sunday!

Cheers!

where is my passport?!

Wholly mollies saturday! Car is ready to be traded in – clearly haven’t gone through my trunk since it went cross-country :/ , now i just have to buy a car!

Laundry done, donation drop off at Salvation Army done, wild search for my old passport that brought me into old memory boxes full of hysterical things plus old journals.. (passport not found 😦 ) done.. but going through these had me realize that I have lived (and am still living apparently..) a very amazingly heart wrenching, yet incredibly interesting, and crazy life.

I have been saving things since high school and writing in a journal since the 6th grade.. and I am still boy-crazy, a fool for love, never satisfied, looking for new adventures, and in the darkest of times.. which sadly there seem to be many of those.. I am strangely overly positive and optimistic. This last characteristic surprised me honestly, because I am very much a realist. 99.9% of the time look at both sides of a situation before determining a thought or reaction to feeling. So yes, this surprised me. Another thing to point out there is that I seemed to have many sad, dark times.. But again, in reading my vintage words, I also have never been so hopeful for tomorrow.

This sort of hit home.. literally, because I am home! (bahaha my version of a joke) but for real.. because I am currently sliding into a valley in this life of hills. It brought to light how, even throughout the ups and downs, I am for some reason disgustingly grateful for my life. I’m serious. I know there are people out there who think my life is perfect and “shut up about being blessed and grateful already Kara, gah!” And when I have troubling times I swear people think it’s just like a #whitepeopleproblems moment.

But like all people I have a dark side. I have skeletons, and just because I find a way to control them does not mean I don’t feel them or deal with them daily. I’m just happy that for whatever reason, my hidden positivity comes out when I need it most. Although I wish it was out more than just that, but I guess the realist in me doesn’t find sense in that either.

So here’s to a productive and meaningful Saturday.. in the obscene SoCal heat.. where I can now pretty much smell my sweaty self.. (WHY MUST IT BE SO HOT?! IT’S SEPTEMBER! #sweatingballs) Looks like a shower is in my near future.. and a decision on my afternoon activities.. And also.. where IS that damn passport?! 😦

Cheers!

bon anniversaire! (deux)

whoaaa.. look at me go!

Play on words there people – because its not a birthday, it is an anniversary. But aren’t anniversaries just that? Birthdays.. for events?! hehe

Today marks one year saying yes to consciously hanging out on the reg with one of the most super-awesome people ever.. who has tested my patience from our very first conversation. Haha 😀 It’s true though. It’s been a hysterical year really, normal ups and downs.. and realizations. A year I thought I’d never see come full circle honestly.. but gosh darn it, am I blessed or what?! And boy has it been worth every second.

No matter where this relationship takes us.. to forever.. or just a “forever within the numbered days”.. 😉 Not only will it have been/be a pleasure to spend the time with this person, but also a privilege. Our friendship alone is better than most relationships.. (we are kind of amazing 😉 ) never mind the possibilities of tomorrow.

I have met a lot of great people in my day, but never have I met someone with such a beautiful soul, who is hysterically funny, with such GORGEOUS eyes.. (HAD to!) But really – even through some of the downs.. its a funny thing when you learn something from what you sometimes find as a fault. Like saying ‘sorry’. Mind.Blown.

I love this person, and I love how careful they are. How considerate, thoughtful, immensely smart, understanding, strong – in all ways, and focused they are. Most importantly, for me, patient – as you know, I’m kind of a handful, and somewhat.. crazy? haha 😉

So here’s to a tiny milestone in this thing we call life.. Here’s to more FUN runs, gin/vodka-waters, Whole Foods experiences, bad horror movie watching, emoji faces, and, of course, adventures! I can only pray I’m lucky enough to have even more of them.

To me, to you.. to US.. Cheers ❤

the longest facebook post ever.

Now don’t get upset, but this won’t be about the longest fb post ever.

Honestly, I’m partially happy that I didn’t go fb-happy during the holidays this year and here’s why..

I was too busy actually spending time with people.

And let me tell you, I tried! Hahaha I did.. part of me started getting frustrated at the fact that I was unable to post all the pictures and all my annoying Christmas, i.e. Jesus’ Birthday, cheer and New Years hopefulness. For the first time in a long time, I felt it was more important to actually absorb everything around me instead of trying to let people (who could prob care less anyway) know what I was doing, and how exciting! it all was.

I totally understand the concept and the importance of social media so don’t get me wrong. I understand that without it, friendships may not have been saved, or long-distance family time would be more than scarce. Trust me, it helps me everyday keep in touch with my long-distance loves ❤ I also know many a people who have met loves of their lives on social networks. But I also know how it has ruined relationships and hindered actual social lives.

If you have read anything of mine, you will know that I feel the spirit of any holiday (and/or birthday) should carry throughout the year, not just that day, or time; because we should be celebrating life and all it brings everyday. However, “reality” for most, isn’t my way of thinking. Knowing this, we should be more diligent in taking the time during those holidays that focus on family, friends, and sharing, and actually spend the time doing it vs telling internet people about it. And per usual, I am sorry that I always seem to get a little bit morbid.. But, the time we waste during those crucial moments, even just minutes, are minutes not spent with people we apparently love. Those minutes may come in handy one day.. when you are counting them down.

So my Christmas? If you’re still wondering.. was spent in NYC.. with family.. a new family at that, and even though they weren’t my own, they deserved all the love and magic.. and cupcakes! Christmas had to offer. Because that’s what Christmas is all about. Jesus.. (had to!) and family. (Which really go hand-in-hand if you know anything about Christianity) Anyway -rant.over- the entire time I was there, it wasn’t so much about what we were doing anyway, but who was doing what. Were we all together? Was someone still sleeping? And honestly, the best moments were the conversations around the kitchen table.. or possibly playing Heads Up (no, not 7up) because karaoke and karate are pretty similar.. just sayin.

And New Years? I might add.. Was also spent with family, mine this time, and some friends with lots of food and drink. Nothing too crazy, which is out-of-the-ordinary for me, but still splendid all the same.

This past year was another crazy chapter in my life-book. There were plenty roller-coaster moments.. some over-exaggerations, lots of emoji faces.. I laughed, I cried, and had more than enough learning-mistakes. I met several amazing people – two of which, keep me on my toes, and refuse to let me live by a plan.. and more in the moment ❤ – and I made some overly-amazing friends. I survived my first year back in the sate of my birth and full-circled back to one of the best companies out there that was so gracious to offer me a new, great job. I survived the darkest of times, a mechanical bull accident, my new job transition.. in the middle of the holidays, mind you.. which included a business trip two weeks before Christmas! and I even survived meeting my boyfriends’ family. AH!

My annoying optimism will admit, this was a perfect year.. just like all the rest. Because how can any year not be perfect if I’m still standing?

So here’s to another frustratingly-exciting, magically-wild, overly-emotional, and crazily-awesome year.

Cheers!

ode to family..

It’s funny how the one place I wanted to leave for so long is now the only place I want to be right now.

For almost a year, I have been living “uncomfortably”. That whole Life begins at the end of your comfort zone idea was really ringing true, and I liked it. I still do. But oddly enough, what I never expected is that when it comes to comfort, it’s not necessarily where you are or what you are doing.. it’s who you are with.

What I realized is that my people, are family more than than they are friends. They have seen the darkest of dark, the craziest of crazy.. every tear shed, every smile shared. They have been there through every bad decision and every highlight. Every aching moment of despair and every hysterical laugh over a chambord margarita.. or a pumpkinhead.. or a gin & tonic.. or a sam summer.. or.. you get the idea, HA! I definitely have not been the most pleasant person to deal with, and even with my most vulnerable moments exposed, they still decided to keep me around. Through these past 10 months living my dream in the “uncomfortable”.. they are the ones who have been there to share every moment. They have been my cheerleaders and my support system.. As hard as it was being 3k miles away.. they took care of me when I was home alone with the flu on New Years Eve. They were high-fiving me through the phone when I finally started playing volleyball again.. and they even gave me a raised eyebrow and a ‘not surprised’ attitude when I fractured my thumb riding a mechanical bull..

It’s amazing, the types of connections people can have with each other. It always comes back to that old saying.. “I’d rather have 4-quarters than 100-pennies.” Thankfully, I have 5 😉

And don’t get me wrong, I have had, and still have, so many Michael Buble moments of “And I’m surrounded by.. A million people I.. Still feel all alone..” So cliche I know, but it’s true. It’s incredible what people can do to a life once they learn all about it.. and more so, how much people need it. In life, what people want most is acceptance and understanding. And even though you can seriously be surrounded by many great people, that doesn’t mean you receive either of those. The hardest part in all this, is finding those people that you can share your life with..

Having been accustomed to a traveling lifestyle as a child, and living a 50/50 life of East Coast, West Coast, the only thing I really strived on accomplishing was being part of a family. From the minute that plane hit NH soil back in 1994, I dreamed of moving back to the Golden State because that’s where I thought my family was, and that’s where I belonged. Yet in the 18 years I lived in the East, I never realized that I was creating the family I always wanted.. one who loved me unconditionally, with no obligation, no expectation.. just love.

And I cannot wait to squeal like a 5yr old when I see all you loves of my life♥

“The most important thing in life is your family. There are days you love them, and others you don’t. But, in the end, they’re the people you always come home to. Sometimes it’s the family you’re born into and sometimes.. it’s the one you make for yourself.” -Sex&theCity