what’s meant to be will be? right?

How do you ever know what you are supposed to do? Not necessarily the “meaning of life” per say, but just in general when you hit some sort of crossroads or obstacle in the road?

This past month, during all these challenges: Lent, Blogging, Kindness/Fitness – I have been putting myself back together so to speak, in that I finally began focusing on my health again. Stress really holds me down from a lot, and seriously takes a toll on my health in general. Stress takes a toll on everything in general! Whether it’s getting sick with a cold, heart palpitations, or eating issues, something holds me back from life.

The past two weeks in particular, I made a mental change to not allow myself to sink into anxiety, and try and get a workout in, even a small one. I was almost mad at the stress, I was done. I had enough! I wanted to be the happy person I am, and I wanted my pants to fit 😦

Today is one of my better feeling days, probably one of the best recently, and it made me wonder about what my next steps are. Do I ride through the storm of what I call work? See if there is light at the end of the tunnel? Work on a way to maybe stay with the company just doing something else? Do I even want to work at this company anymore? This industry? Have all these been additional signs to tell me something? Or are these just tests to prove stamina? Hindsight is 20/20 and I’m definitely not ahead enough to know yet.

How does one know? Or do we even know. Are there even “signs”? Is it just the courage to try something new? To just “feel” like it will all work out? I’m not getting any instinctual feelings lately, thats for sure. I can’t decide if it’s because I’m so overly stressed that I’m numb, or I just have no clue what to do right now. I also pray – I’m terrible at it though, I will admit. I just never know what to ask, and I never realize things until it’s too late. Or more than instinct, prayer, choice.. do I just allow God and/or the universe to guide me where I’m meant to be? And even so.. how do I know?! I just mentioned, I’m terrible looking for or deciphering signs! GAH!

Well, I do know one thing: I feel a change in the air. I am at a crossroads trying to decide which path is best for tomorrow. And whether the change is from me, God, or the universe, I guess we can only wait and see.

 

🙂

the countdown begins

How ironic that the 31st is a Friday.. this challenge is also helping me get through the week!

2 things here:

  1. I finally finished the Positive Psychology book. The last few pages spoke about the workplace and how managing in a more “positive” mindset creates progress and success. It went into a reminder that as humans we all have different strengths, and to function properly in the workplace, one must manage according to those strengths. The book ended with a recap and another reminder that in life, this theory of Positive Psychology doesn’t mean you can’t be sad. It doesn’t mean bad things won’t happen. It also doesn’t meant that just because you are thinking positive all wonderful things will come. It’s an ongoing study of how we think and see things. And in that study it shows much better outcomes on a positive mindset (even during times of tragedy or sadness) versus a negative one. Also in that as humans, we are prone to default to the negative, which creates a sort of “reason” or excuse to things, rather than ownership and understanding. Overall, I liked it, and am a believer. Interestingly enough though, having the workplace be a subject towards the end of the book, brings me to my next point.
  2. Work is creating health changing stress. I finally got my check up for my wildly break-dancing heart and found once again, it is all stress induced. My Dr. literally said to me, “No I’m serious, Drs orders on going to Yoga. You need it.” My only thought was, can I get that in writing!? I would love to be able to leave on time – without feeling like the weight of my job isn’t about to crush me – just to be able to make it to a class with a tiny bit of motivation left. It was sort of comforting to know that at least this isn’t like a cholesterol issue or something a little more scary that may have been created. I am still waiting on blood work also, so we will see what that tells us.

So here’s to the first day of my last week in this blog challenge. With Monday under my belt, nothing can stop me now! Except maybe terrible blood results, lol 😐

Time to go decompress and try to meditate to slow this sporadic thumping in my chest.

 

girl-bosses can still get a B+

Ok, I know.. sorry! Missed another day, because once again a late night.. on a school night no less! But I am forcing myself awake tonight because yesterday created today.. and it’s important for me to share.

Last night I went to a Women’s Leadership Group that my company hosts for well, women. And the purpose is fairly obvious – my industry consists of a high percentage of men, not only in regular roles but also management. We do however, have two women who hold high ranks, one being our CEO. But because in this particular industry, the majority is men, white men to be more exact, it is nice to have a company that promotes and supports women and minorities to also be successful.

The one thing I took away from last night, which happily created tonight, was that women aren’t really there for one another although the media likes to share women’s marches and protests. In reality, there are many women who openly speak down upon other women, yet call themselves “feminists”. To be part of a women’s movement, whether you call it feminism or something else, you have to actually support other women. It’s not the – Feminism is only for those who believe what I do – movement! Just like the argument of Christians – you call yourself a Christian, act like one.

And I mean don’t get me wrong, there are plenty of women of whom I don’t agree with, for example, I am not a fan of many of the women in current politics. But can we just talk about how for the first time in history it was a woman who successfully ran a presidential campaign? Why are women not acknowledging this? Is it because of the rumors of fake election processes? Is it because you don’t agree with her views? Well we also had a woman who almost became president! Who let me tell you, I was not a fan of myself, but honestly good job to her! You want to know how many girls now believe they can also be president!? But why are people complaining? Oh right, because you don’t agree with her views!? Geez. Those two examples alone provide hope and opportunity for women of the future. No matter who you like, they both are paving the way for little girls on the political spectrum.

In the more everyday atmosphere, why are women who don’t believe in abortions criticized?! What happened to Pro-Choice?! I don’t know if you know this, but NOT having an abortion is still a CHOICE! Where are all the supporting women there?! Or let’s get ugly here, why do women criticize those who have made a conscious decision that they don’t want children?! “But you don’t know until you have one”, “How can you be fulfilled without children!?” Where’s the support of, “Way to make a decision that works for you! (and not for society)”. Because I’ll tell you the sad truth, there are many women who were NOT fulfilled by having children.. millions of them. Sadly, foster care is just one example of that. So why is the woman who understands this within herself, being criticized.. BY OTHER WOMEN!?

It’s a shame really, and because of this, I always had a hard time keeping relationships with other women, because I guess I just don’t think like the “average” woman. But the past two days reminded me of the good ones out there. This event gave a wonderful outlet to share successes and challenges, progress and downfall. And although not all the women there that night were supportive of the whole, it was still wonderful to connect, and re-connect with the strong, sassy 😉 and supportive business women. To find the few who actually believe and support women causes, and women as a whole, no matter what your beliefs, is a wonderful thing.

Because who else can truly understand a woman’s struggle in the working world? Or any “world” for that matter? Not your boyfriend or hubby thats fo’ sho! Which brings me to tonight.. I was able to get together with a couple ladies in my office who also went to the event last night, and although we have known each other for years now, it was always a “show up, work, go home” sort of work-relationship. And that’s ok of course, we all don’t need to be office bffls, but it was just great to actually take time, catch up, and talk about concerns and goals: career goals, personal goals, etc..

The minute you take the time to listen to others, you can find that in all of us, there is strength and meaning. And as a woman in today’s workforce and society, being strong in some way is a necessity. I hope my women readers out there all have someone, or someones, that you can be strong with and who make you stronger. If you haven’t found some yet, keep looking – for as many half-hearted women supporters there are out in the world, I believe there are still more who actually support women as a whole, and the movement for what it’s meant to be. #girlpower

 

 

 

“heartbeat! you make me feel so weak!”

Taana Gardner, I feel you girl! Not sure if I mentioned from when I wrote about my stress and anxiety a couple weeks back, but my heart palpitations have come to say hello again. This second time around isn’t as scary, although it does make me feel weak! Because I am a little afraid to run or do anything that exerts energy.

I’ve been meaning to make another doctor’s appointment, but you know, when you for some reason work in an environment that frowns upon time off, and takes no consideration when you do take time off, (in regards to work load) it’s a little difficult to make that a priority or focus. This brings me to one of my favorite quotes:

dalai-lama

My man, The Dalai Lama ❤ I so love this.. and it’s funny because as I wrote those sentences above this quote immediately popped in my brain. Why is this not memorized as a daily mantra?! Because my HEALTH should be my priority.

Ugh. When I have been doing all I can nutrition-wise all the way to drinking up to 50-oz of water a day again, and yet my skin is still dry, brittle, and sunken in.. You’d think I would be more in-tune with the issue at hand. Stress, anxiety, and now these awesome – what I like to call – mini-heartattacks. Why does life need to cost money?

Thankfully, aside from this stress that is pretty much making me sick – wait, you know something?! I was looking at past social media posts recently.. and I kid you not, in the past 5mo I counted being sick about 4 times. FOUR TIMES. That’s almost once a month! Maybe it’s not the weather after all! – I do try and live in the present at all times. Thanks to my 5-minute Journal and noting down what I am grateful for on a daily basis, it does help me to stay present and do my best to take advantage of Today.

Now if I could just find a nice balance of personal priorities and a fulfilling job, I think these palpitations would be gone for good. But why is it of all things that, THAT is the hard part? Why is having a job/career so detrimental to personal life?! When did that happen? Whatever happened to working for a greater good, to make your company proud, to build relationships that last for a lifetime? Now with most people I talk to, it’s not common to have “work-friends” rather just “work-friend” and some times no actual “friends” at all, rather just acquaintances, or just “people I work with”. And many don’t even hang out with these people outside the office or even know anything about their personal lives. We have created an office culture of just showing up to take home pennies with no regard on how this affects us personally (I’m sure certain industries may differ? but my close friends all work in different industries, and it seems to be similar). And by ‘affecting us personally’ I mean working long hours, or running on empty by the time 5pm hits and not putting yourself first.. when the only reason we have jobs is to pay for things.. for ourselves. 

I remember working in environments where managers and employees actually cared about each others well-being. We would get drinks after work on a weekly basis, celebrate birthdays, and baby showers, and weddings! And we hung out on weekends and became actual friends. Because these are the people you see more than your own family amiright!? So it made sense to create relationships.. Or maybe it’s just a New England thing, because I just realized all those work-fam experiences were when I lived in New England. Gah SoCal! 😦 #SoDissapointing

I digress.. sort of.. I just know I’m a little uncomfortable because my heart keeps break-dancing in my chest, which creates fears of being able to make quick movements. And this is created by stress, which is sadly because of my current work environment.

We can do this heart! Got to do some heart-push-ups to keep you strong.. and learn to invest in myself so I stop making you work harder than you need to ❤

 

 

 

fake rant.

Haven’t posted a random rant in a while..

With my current state of instability, (I know my recent 3-yr anniversary post was uplifting, but I’ve actually been going through some emotional distress the past few weeks..) my patience has gone from 12689124325 to 0 in 2.3 seconds.

And in light of work not making life easier, I was reminded today at how damn fake people can be.

Never mind the random strangers of whom we run into on a daily basis in the coffee shop, at the bar, walking into your workplace.. etc.. there are the also the people you are required to see on a daily basis, and interact with.. more than you’re own damn family.. you guessed it. Your co-workers.

These people of whom that are supposed to be one of two things: Supportive peers who cheer you on when you do well.. and Open-armed min-friends who lift you up when things are a little down. In simple terms: Supporters and Teammates. Some select few even become good friends, and others, practically family. Most of the time though, it’s like playing a sport: get to the game work together and WIN! Then go home feeling accomplished.. hopefully. What is one of the main reasons people leave a certain job? more times than not – the people. Why do many people stay in jobs they don’t really like? (I was victim of this for 4 years before I moved to SoCal) you guessed it. The People. When there is respect, teamwork, and appreciation in the workplace, people tend to become more loyal than if it were the opposite.

Moving on however.. co-workers on the other hand, should NOT be: (although theres always a handful) fake.

And I know I’m talking co-workers here, but really this goes out to everyone.. all of you need to quit it too.

I get being courteous, and polite. But c’mon when you don’t speak to me on the reg as it is, and because I may be potentially showing my weaknesses today.. don’t be pretending you care today by saying things like: “Have a good night”.

Now, many of you will throw down the crazy card here, but hear me out.

I am so sick and tired of people who don’t actually care about your well being to say meaningless crap like this.

You know what would have been more appropriate? “Goodnight”, or even, “I’ll see you tomorrow”. Why you ask? Well because for honesty sake, these are true statements. Facts. Just like “Hello” and “Goodbye”, “Goodnight” is just a general greeting. And “I’ll see you tomorrow” (aside from all those “tomorrow is never a promise” vibes) there’s pretty much a 99.9% chance I will, in fact, see you tomorrow. When you don’t actually care about how my night will be – you’re just pulling meaningless small talk. And all that does is create awkwardness and a false sense of care. Because if you cared how my night would be, you would have asked how my day was first.

Keep it real people! I have to see you, EIGHT HOURS A FREAKIN DAY. No need for small talk. We get that enough from strangers. And YOU PEOPLE (yah I said it) are co-workers – people we are supposed to respect and work together towards a common goal with. In all my experience of playing competitive sports, teamwork does not succeed when people are fake and lie to teammates. This just creates conflict and trust issues.

Me, of all people am pretty real when it comes to life. Most people can’t handle it and thats fine. No one likes honesty. Sadly, this is a truth in our society. But if you know me at all, work with me, am friends with me, whatever.. you should know by now that I put effort where effort is due with people. If I don’t want to talk to you, I won’t – and I’ll even tell you why if you ask me.

If I’m making efforts – you got it, I care. And again, lets be clear – I’m not an asshole in the office or to the general public. I am polite, courteous, and professional. Sometimes a little sassy, but I mean, you’ve got to be when you are a female in a male-dominated industry. But back to my point, we all play favorites (stop denying it) so those I like more than others, yes, of course I make additional efforts to have lunch with you, and GENUINELY (big word here people) care about how your day is.

And I mean, there are plenty of people I work with that are just “Hello”, “Goodbye” people, we don’t mind, it doesn’t offend us! We still show up every day and do our job.

So to round this up, if you don’t care, shut your hole. If you want to care be GENUINE (AH! theres that word again!) and make an effort on a daily basis, not just when it looks like I want to punch you, or cry for that matter. (I told you, I’m a little vulnerable right now).

rant.over.

its that time.. that should be happening ALL the time..

Come November of every year.. everyone and their second cousin (all of a sudden!) starts to become ‘thankful’.. Posting things on social sites of thankfulness throughout the holidays (what happened to the rest of the year!?).. And knowing theres not much I can do to stop this, I guess I’ll just embrace it, knowing that hey, if people can only bring it upon themselves to be thankful and hopeful just two months out of the year, then I guess thats better than no months at all. So go ahead world! – start over-posting and filling my pages with your ‘thanks’ for two months – then come January (or Black Friday for that matter) go back to being ‘normal’.

Aside from my normal crap I blog and post about (being thankful and blessed constantly, appreciative of love – which I know most people are bored of all year long.. until, well, now – because I guess this is normal protocol just for the holidays) I do feel an overwhelming sense of extra thanks and love. And well, maybe thats why most people hold off till the holidays to express this as well (although I’m not saying it’s ok, because, as mentioned, we all really should be ‘bored’ with this thankful ‘crap’ all year long).

 

Anyway, I digress – the point of this post is to sort of play catch-up. Like I mentioned, I too, get extra sentimental this time of year, and I wanted to participate in what some people are doing this month – A ‘gratitude’ or ‘thankful’ challenge the month of November for 30 days. Since I’m so behind, I decided I can wrap this up in one – LONG – blog post and list 30 things I am thankful for this year. Keep in mind, this is/was hard for me considering I’m thankful daily (I know, I know – barf), so to narrow down my top 30 is like trying to pick 30 of my favorite birthdays! #impossible Haha, but I’m gonna try.

And to be honest, I literally updated this list like 5 times 🙂

 

In no particular order – This past year, I am thankful for:

1. waking up every single day: Given the fact that tomorrow is never a promise, I am thankful that God continues to give me more time on this crazy planet – everyday has definitely been an adventure.

2. learning to love someone: Although I am in a sad situation of loving someone who may never love me back, it’s amazing to learn how real love can actually calm you. Just knowing someone is healthy, happy, and doing well, is like a good drug – say, like coffee! 😉 And you learn to understand that it doesn’t matter how you fit into their lives, so long as you are able to continue to be a good part of it.

3. love: Yes, this is separate – because love alone transcends across many parts of our lives. Love of friends, love of co-workers, love of self, love of coffee, love of owls.. I can go on.. but you know what I mean. Just knowing love exists in some form, is grand.

4. Jeffrey Scales: Enough with the shocked faces people. Jeffrey is an amazing person. Amazing. Those who know him, probably know this already. After all this time, he is still annoyed with my unconventional way of thinking/life, and is still able to make a joke out of anything. On top of that, he genuinely asks how me and my crazy family are. That’s what I am most thankful for – he’s genuine. It’s not easy finding people who are real. And although most of our communication now is through work means, it’s a blessing to still be able to keep in touch and know we are still friends on some level. Thank you, for being you, Jeffrey.

5. new england: I know I ran away from you off to the land of hippies and lengthy coastlines, but the thanks I have for your seasons, food, patriotism, sports, holiday embrace, and traditions, can’t be expressed into words. I just cry about it now haha 😉 This would’ve been #1 if I had to rank it. I do love the move I made, but the things I have listed you can’t find anywhere else.. It’s what I miss most (second to my peeps obvi!)

6. work: The past year of work has been.. tumultuous to say the least. I am not doing what I love, but I sure have learned a lot and put myself through a lot of tests – literally and figuratively – I am grateful though, for the people I have met, the paychecks, and the experiences that have provided me a new perspective on what I want for myself, career-wise. Overall, it has been a huge learning experience.

7. food: As a self-proclaimed foodie, I am so thankful for all the new food experiences I have had. Gem deserves a HUGE thankful part of that, and so does James – more so for my everyday eating habits. I learned how to actually prepare food for work, and learned a lot about how to manage what my body needs. It’s still a learning process daily, but I am just so thankful I know how to eat such great stuff.. and know the difference #foodsnob 😉

8. owls: Ok, I mean, here’s another that probably needs no explanation. I freakin love owls! They are a little treasure of my life and I’m thankful there are so many awesome things that can come in owl-form.

9: God: 9 is a Holy number, so I gave it to God. 🙂 I know theres a lot of God-talk (or more so, non-God-talk) out there, and if you read the book, Eat, Pray, Love, the moment where she speaks to God the first time, braking down on her bathroom floor, crying.. She explains why she calls it, ‘God’ the end of that section has a line, “What kind of God do you believe in?” my answer is easy: “I believe in a magnificent God.”” Yes. Just, yes. Elizabeth Gilbert did a fantastic job describing how and why she prays and why it’s to God. I can relate 110%. God is also a comfortable name for me. Either way, THANK YOU to God, who has helped me through the best and the worst this life could give me. Thank you for continuing to give me a chance to make myself better, and be better to others. Thank you for always being there, even though I’m a terrible listener sometimes. Thank you for continuing to be patient with me – even though I still struggle with that virtue. Thank you, too, for teaching me in the past year about the many things we don’t know, and how it has made me realize, to just do me.. because thats all I can do. And that those who judge me – fail to look at themselves first. This in turn, made me look at myself as well.. first.. before potentially judging. And of course, thank you, to God and the universe for always keeping me on track – and for providing a beautiful world to look at. More so, for teaching me to appreciate the simple things – seasons, first snow fall, sun sets and sun rises, rainbows, rain, all the things nature gives us – it really is a beautiful life.

10: yoga: Although there are only like 2 instructors where I practice that allow me to use yoga for my benefit, the practice itself I am extremely thankful for. It allows me to not think, and provides a great practice of mind/body connection that I have a hard time finding in other activities. It’s my form of meditation – even though I practice Bikram which ultimately is just working out in a sauna and sweating profusely – it allows me to find calmness in my hectic emotional frame. It’s sort of amazing how much anxiety I can let go of after a class. I just wish I had time to go more often..

11: wine: Need I say more? Thank you to all the grapes in the world that make this amazing beverage which helps me keep my sanity, allows for great dates, great conversation, and the best booze while you are eating well. 😉

12: coffee: Ok here’s another. Haha.. Whats that quote? “Lord give me coffee to change the things I can change, and wine to accept the things I can’t.” So really this goes hand-in-hand with wine. 😉 Another thing I thank coffee for is the fact that it calms me. I know it’s strange, but I can drink coffee before bed.. and nothing relaxes me more than a good cappuccino after dinner. I don’t know what it is.. but coffee is my tangible anxiety release.

13: birthdays: duh. You knew this was coming.. Haha! Everyone should be thankful for Birthdays! I know everyone is sick of me saying this, but you can’t deny the truth: To celebrate another birthday, at the very least, means you can celebrate another day on this earth. Ultimately, being thankful for birthdays is just another way to be thankful for life.

14: Mish: Per usual, I think of you and cry #typical. Haha! Another one of my genuine people – thank you for keeping me close to you, even after I ran off to coast of the West.. You have been my greatest rock this past year. You are the one constant in my life that, even through a month or two of not speaking, can still keep me grounded through just a text for Facebook post. (I seriously only keep it for you – I’d get rid of it otherwise) I don’t know how we do it, but it’s true, just thinking of you makes me better. You always know what to say – because, like me, you get it. You take time to understand. You never tell me what I want to hear, and not even necessarily what I need to hear either.. it’s just.. the Truth. #loveyou xoxo ❤

15: flowers: I mean, how can anyone NOT be thankful for flowers. They are a beautiful, living reminder that the universe is amazing and filled with wonderful things. I have never seen anyone who either finds a flower, or was given one, that didn’t light up even just a little.

16: fairytales:  My goodness, I am SO thankful for fairytales. As a hopeless romantic, fairytales are a non-negotialble. In fact, everyone should read this when you get a chance: http://thefickleheartbeat.com/…/11/02/why-fairy-tales-exist/ You’re welcome.

17: Stevie Ray: Yes, Stevie, I am so thankful for you! Although we met only once (the first year I moved to SoCal) you have been a part of my spiritual life every since. From that day you made me tear up talking about my life and spirituality, to now, with me tearing up just typing this! Haha.. your spirit has been with me in tough emotional times. Even the moments I chose not to ask for your prayers, I know you are/were at least thinking of me. Thank you for being my spiritual soldier, and I pray for the best for you and your journey. ❤

18: country music: Although I love country anyway, with going through a breakup the past couple months, country music really spoke to me. I had a new appreciation for the story-telling that comes with the music. Comparatively, it is way more realistic for my breakups, and how I am in general, vs other types of music that embrace threats, revenge, fighting, drama, torture, manipulation, sleeping with friends – or just sleeping with everyone.. I can go on – and not gonna lie, those other songs are sort of fun, but just not my style and how I realistically deal with my relationships (of any kind really).

19: Sweet Elle Cafe: My goodness.. for those who know me, do I even need to explain this?! Haha.. best.cafe.Ever. Thank you, thank you, for just being there, and not sucking. Haha 😀 You have the best baristas, best coffee options, best atmosphere, and with the updates and re-models, it’s even cozier. I remember the first time I ever stepped into this little cafe – theres a bookshelf wall filled with books that I stared at.. and I never wanted to leave – but I came about 15min before closing haha so, well, I had to leave. But now this place is like home. I’m glad everyone knows my name and this is my version of Cheers. I’m thankful for Grace, the owner, for having the vision and dream to run this cafe – because people like me, who need a second home.. and good coffee.. really, REALLY, appreciate it. I should also do a mini shout-out.. it’s only right.. without Daniel, I never would’ve known about this place – so thank you too, to Daniel for the recommendation. 🙂

20: Michelle: My hairdresser. Yes, I am VERY thankful for you! Haha 🙂 I moved to SoCal and began a new life, new job, new doctors, new cafes, new hairdresser.. Well, my first experience was a butchered job that cost me over $100 just for me to cry for about 4 month. It felt like forever before I even had the nerve to look for someone new. And I’m so happy the stars aligned and I found you. You saved my locks, and fixed the awful cut that made me look like my 6th grade class photo. Not only that, but color my hair to perfection as well. The best thing about you is your soul. It’s so beautiful, considerate, and honest. I’m so happy I get to see you every month.

21: Sarah: She waxes me. Haha, I know some of you reading this are like.. Really Kara!? But, yes, really. Again, moving to an entirely new state where my normal product and services are now 10,0000-mi away (I clearly exaggerate), was/is very hard. And this, was probably the worst service to look for. For those of you who are waxing enthusiasts as myself, this isn’t something you just find and are like – oh yah, eeny, meeny, miney, mo! I’ll just ‘try you out’! No.. it’s like finding a doctor. If someone is looking at you like no everyday person looks as you, you want them to, well.. for one, not be creepy, and two.. not be creepy. Sarah is awesome, the best thing about her is that, unlike other estheticians I’ve had in the past (who were still good, don’t get me wrong) she has real conversations with you to make this somewhat awkward experience, well, not so awkward.

22: the sun: I don’t know if I even need to write much about this. Everyone should be thankful for the Sun, especially if you live, or have ever lived in the NorthEast (Vitamin D!). Thank you, for literally making my world go ’round.. and for making the sky beautiful.

23: pain: Yes, pain. Whats that amazing quote from Grey’s Anatomy, “Why do I keep hitting myself with a hammer? Because it feels so good when I stop.” Exactly. I have felt a lot of pain this year, physically and emotionally. Physically, it has taught me how much I can do with myself and how much my mind is involved with strength. Emotionally, I’ve learned to be more appreciative, patient, and stay humble.. This way, everything is a happy surprise.

24: Eric & Amy: I am so thankful for the past two years being able to live the closest to my brother than I have in a long time. You see, he’s in the Army, and just recently I’ve been able to visit twice a year compared to my usual once-every-other-year. What makes this even more thankful is being able to be a part in my nephew and nieces’ lives. It may be a small part, but at least they remember me now when I visit compared to the first couple of times, like when I met the twins for the first time.. were already 2! 😦 Anyway, I’ve learned a lot about my brother, and have been so grateful to see him raise a beautiful family, and even better, do this with his amazing wife. Seriously, I am so thankful for Amy too because, I have never met a more determined mother-of-4 who runs like a champion, looks amazing, and all the while is home-schooling the kiddos, getting another (you heard me, another!) degree, and being a wife & mother. I’ve said this a bazillion times about Amy, but it’s true – If I was seriously just half as determined and focused as she is, I’d be doing way better things in my life, and look damn good too. So thank you for proving that even with some of the hardships the military throws at you with raising a family and making ends meet, you both are able to do this, and although it may not be easy, you make it look that way. Thank you for being amazing people to ‘look up to’ in my adult life.

25: the ocean: My first love. I’m thankful because it is the one constant I have always had access to my entire life. It’s a part of me. I grew up with it in the West.. learned with it in the East.. and now I find comfort with it.. back in the West. Since I was a child, I have loved the ocean and all that it entails – sand, rocks, the comforting sound, and the mysterious depths. The ocean is fascinating to me. In one hand, it’s where I go to play, and relax, and even cry and meditate. On the other hand, it scares me to no end, not because I’m a bad swimmer, but more so the uncontrollables. Currents, waves, sudden deep pools, so many unknowns that can literally swallow you up. It has been a great metaphor to life.

26: Paul:  OH.MY.GAWWWD. Paul, I seriously have no words to describe the appreciation I have for you in the last year and three months that we have been living together. Well ok, I have a few 😉 I am so absolutely thankful that you put up with me to start. Haha.. and that you are so giving, and helpful, and considerate. You are constantly thinking of others. I’m not gonna lie, there are plenty times where I’m annoyed with you 😉 But aside from my occasional bitchiness, you seriously have done nothing but try and help make my life better. I can’t name many people who are happy – and willing! – to go and get a drink with me when I am red-faced angry. I also don’t know many people who drive back home to make juice for unappreciative guests.. that you barely know for goodness sakes! #gah! I am just so thankful that we are friends.. and that it’s you who is on my emergency contact list.. haha. You are seriously the most caring person I have ever met, and not just to me, but to every single person in your life – from friends to family – I swear your goal in life is to make them ALL happy.. ALL at the same time! I have no doubt that you would probably succeed in that anyway, you’ve probably already done the math to support it 😉 So thank you.. thank you for being you.. and being awesome.  Anyone who has been lucky enough to have met you should be thankful. And if they aren’t.. well then.. they just suck.

27: genuine people: If you have ever been lucky enough to speak to someone who is genuine, man does it seriously change your perspective on life. So often do people ask the simple question of: “How are you?” Many of these people you consider friends.. and more times then not, they really don’t care.. it’s just an obligatory question. Shame isn’t it? Why do people ask questions when they don’t even care for the answer? Or worse even, begin to lecture you when they don’t get the answer they want. Well, please believe me when I say this, but when you do talk to someone who asks, even that simple question, and it’s a genuine request.. your heart flutters. It’s strange. You no longer have to whip out the (sorry for my language, but it’s true) bullshit answer of, “I’m good!” You can actually answer with how you actually feel. And I do understand that sometimes we are just ‘good‘. But more times than not, there is some aspect in your life that isn’t.. but yet generally speaking, bringing that detail up makes you a debbie downer – or causes discussion on ‘how to make you NOT feel that way’. Point is, THANK YOU to those who actually mean it. Thank you for providing yourself as an outlet for a possible miserable response. Thank you for just plain caring.

28: reading/writing: I love both of these and am so thankful for them for the mere fact that both provide a chance to get away. It’s an outlet to get away from the world for a minute. To escape into a story and either lose yourself in a character by reading, or let go a little of yourself by writing. Thank you for giving me an exit from this ‘real’ life and making me a mini fangirl.

29: James: I guess I should be thankful for the one I love, Haha..! Thank you for teaching me how to be patient.  Thank you for having a beautiful soul and giving me a opportunity to be a part of understanding it. Thank you for this inexplicable friendship/relationship we have because you made me see that it only matters to us and no one else needs to understand it. Thank you for enlightening me with a whole new meaning about saying ‘Sorry’. Mind. Blown. Thank you for teaching me about fitness and always answering my random questions about the shelf-life of ground-beef, or the carb percentage of an apple, haha.. #seriously. Thank you for breaking my heart. Sounds crazy, but without that I never would have learned what my heart was capable of. And of course, thank you for being you. I have never met someone so determined (and stubborn haha) to live life on their own terms than you. I can argue a million ways on the pros and cons to that, but it doesn’t matter. You do you.. and that’s what makes you amazing.

30: ME!: I’m just amazing. The End. Haha, but really I am so thankful for myself. I am thankful that I am strong enough not to conform to societal norms. I am thankful for being a sarcastic, hysterical, and sometimes bitchy person. I am thankful that I am a good person, that I am thoughtful, and that I am considerate of others even though sometimes people may take advantage of that. I am thankful that I love unconditionally even though people think that’s crazy. Because, thats not crazy, thats what love is supposed to be like. I am thankful that I know my limits and realize the people who are worth keeping close, and learning when to just close the door.. but always keeping the window open.. (only some of you get that 🙂 ) I am so thankful of the lives that I have touched, and more so, those who have touched mine.  I am thankful for being an original (I know there aren’t a lot of people out there like me) and I’m thankful for being a optimistic-realist. And I am so thankful that I love myself. Without me, I can’t love others, or flowers, or coffee, or owls..

 

 

To summarize, I am thankful for the people in my life. I am extra thankful to the genuine ones. I am thankful for the simple things in life, and thankful for the things I don’t understand. I am just downright thankful for life. I am thankful for today, yesterday, and definitely tomorrow.. because those are never a definite. Just, thank you. Everyday, Thank You.

And of course, a special THANK YOU – to this blog, and to all my readers.. you definitely don’t have to read my crap all the time, and all the posts that have sucked. But you do. I just hope there’s at least one in there that you have enjoyed, or learned from, has inspired you, or at least smiled from. Thank you.

 

Happy Thanksgiving – remember to be thankful everyday ❤

Cheers!

mush.

That’s exactly how my brain feels this week..

I had forgotten my study materials at work this afternoon, and so to my frustration of not being able to study (I mean how SAD is that?! I was upset about NOT studying!? sheesh) I decided to head into the internet hands first! with a glass of wine in one of them, of course..

And with hesitation (since it had been so long) I came back onto my wordpress page. Whoa. I mean, this might not mean much to others, but man, was I absolutely SHOCKED to see that people had still been.. reading..!? I have not written in probably over 4 months.. although I’ve had an itch to.. but ‘life happened’.

And it was a great life I might add.. I got a new job.. which is where 90% of my time at the moment has been immersed into. You see, I have these awesome exams I need to take in order to hold licenses. And boy, let me tell you! Licensing exams are just a bucket o’ fun! {insert sarcasm here} Especially when they run between 3-6hr long (depending on the license). I’m currently studying for my 2nd, and hopefully final, exam for a while..

Anyway, this job literally has changed my life. I can’t say I love it however, one day I may.. and I know that sounds crazy because you are thinking.. wtf?! how can this change your life and you NOT love it!? Explanation: This job allows me to do the things I love.. and things I have never been able to do. It has made me more grateful that I ever thought I could be. I know it’s kept me from my writing, which is definitely something that I love, but with most things comes sacrifice.. and that usually doesn’t last long. Like studying.

This job has provided me the opportunity to do things I never thought I could.. like buy a friend dinner without counting my pennies. or buying a second pair of theatre tickets because me and my friend are sort of idiots and showed up at the wrong show time.. AND not even being upset about it. Better yet, buying a plane ticket to visit my brother and his farm of 4 kiddos without even flinching! (I haven’t seen them in 2 years!) And I know money does not solve world problems, it doesn’t even solve all of mine. Mind you, I’m no millionaire.. I can’t even say I’m thousand-aire status.. but the little I have compliments the humble lifestyle I live, and in turn, provides me opportunities that I never had before.

Second, and more importantly.. the reason I can’t say I love this job. I don’t love it, I appreciate it. It requires me to work on things I struggle in. So, when my natural talents emerge they are more prominent than my opportunities, and in turn, makes me realize how much better of a person I can be.

Even my health habits. When I am stressed, I am in the no-fun-zone. I stress eat.. and with stress eating, comes bad eating habits.. with bad eating habits come de-motivation.. and so on. I went running for the first time in 4 months this past weekend. Man did it hurt. I was sore for two days. And I loved it. I was partially sad too, just at the fact that I had allowed myself to let it go this far. But again, it made me realize I could be better.. It made me appreciate the hard work I put into myself the past year and motivated me to find better solutions to combatting stress.

You see.. this is life’s paradox: you become grateful and more appreciative of things when you have them less, or they are taken away. I never understood why.. why can’t we be grateful everyday? but its something I think no one can understand. And it’s the little things. Like writing for me. I had this awful feeling like I was letting my journal down the minute I realized how long it had been since I last scribbled a pen in it. But the minute I can’t study for the second largest exam of my career (eek!) I head straight back to my happy place. (It’s a strange balance that is difficult to find.. needs/wants.)

And just like I mentioned in the beginning of this post, I almost shed a tear seeing that people were still reading, even though my head was in books the past 4 months trying to absorb more knowledge in fields that do not come natural to me. I appreciated every single reader.. I even said “Thank you” when I looked at the past months and saw that there were still interested parties out there. To those little things I thank this job.

Once all this studying is over and I’m back to running 2 days a week, yoga 3, and volleyball on the weekends (or any sort of combination really 😉 ) and back to me-time at the cafe with my laptop, journal and cappuccino.. I hope I start to love my job. Everything is still fairly new.. but I hope I eventually end up where I am meant to be.

No matter what.. I’m just happy that it’s still the little things that keep me thankful, grateful, and appreciative of of all the good.. and even the stressful.

 

Cheers!