i literally just erased this entire post about 30 minutes ago.
i realized, one: i like typing in lowercase, hehe.. and two: i keep these drafts that are meant to be finished at the time of emotion.. yet they just sit in my queue. the universe must be telling me something. ive noticed that when i stretch and stretch out thoughts.. the main idea tends to get lost. i start focusing on my grammar more than my thought.
knowing this.. i decided to just type up a recap of this last post that i meant to publish, and just explain the angst inside me as simple as possible.
Ahem.. So.. after 11 months of being away, I took a trip back East.. visited some peeps, went on a few adventures.. had the BEST.BREAKFAST.EVER, but missed my bestest waitress 😦 I felt comfort in the city and lost in the woods. I realized within two days that this was no longer “home”. I then realized days later on the plane back West.. that one: I have been struggling with this idea of “home” for a while, and two: there were now only about 3 people that I could still call family.
This trip was a great learning experience. Most people found my explanation of my trip rather strange.. not understanding my confusion with feelings. You see I thought, as most of the people who know me thought, that I would land in Boston, breathe in the air, have a cannoli.. then drive up into the woods and relish in all its greenery.. and one changing leaf.
But that didn’t happen. I mean, I was very happy to see people.. some more than others, of course.. it’s always about the people. However, there was something weird and unsettling about it all. In all the familiarity and comfort, it’s like I no longer belonged. And maybe this was just a taste of my own medicine. Because for 18 of the 18yrs I lived in New England.. all I talked about was moving back West. I was always a SoCal girl to many.. I was a SoCal girl at heart.
SoCal was where I fell in love with the ocean, where I learned to play volleyball at the age of 9. Where I grew up learning from my father that I could do whatever I wanted as long as I worked hard enough.. and don’t let anyone tell me otherwise because I was a girl (you got it dad! 🙂 ).
But New England.. New England is where my love for the ocean grew, and where I was given the opportunity to play volleyball through college. It’s where I saw first hand that it is hard work that you needed to succeed. It’s like SoCal was the idea, and New England was the blueprint (for simplicity’s sake we’ll call it a plan).. and now full circle.. I am on to the execution stage.
It’s funny too, because thats exactly how I feel. Like I am taking two pieces of life and trying to make them fit together. And they can’t. Because plans come from ideas.. and you cant execute anything without a plan.
So instead of trying to figure out what “home” is, I am trying to find comfort in knowing that I love both places in different ways, and more important, both places are a piece of me.. whether I like it or not. One is the spark, the other the flame.
I just need to focus on loving the ideas I love, and re-evaluating the plans I don’t love.. to keep working on the execution.