We are getting ready to head into the half-way mark of 2013.
Half this year is almost over. I literally had a mini freak out about it today, so in true blogger fashion, I thought I’d share my thoughts with you.
I was driving with my roommate explaining how I’m making myself crazy because the months keep flying by. Weeks.. gone. Days.. a blur. Hours even.. Seconds.. mere memories. I was, and still feel like, life is happening way too fast for me right now. So much so, that I have no clue how to control it. My lovely roommate casually responded with something like, “Well, you can’t control it, life will always go too fast.”
And deep down I know that. I know I can’t control much of anything except myself and my actions. And I think that’s why I was freaking out. I was starting to become those people I blogged about once. Take a read when you get a moment:
I finally have a job I enjoy.. It is M-F, 8:30am – 5pm. Of course, on occasion I’m out a little late or in a little early.. but generally speaking I have a pretty normal schedule. I have weekends off. I have a ‘normal’ work week.
I never thought it would creep up on me and bite me in the ass. As I mentioned, I was, and am, (but trying reaalllyyy hard to stop) becoming one of those people that I blogged about back in 2012. I watch the clock, I work for the weekend.. I can’t wait until Thursday is over. I have openly said “OMG I can’t wait until next Wednesday is over.” Seriously?! I want to push time ahead a week?!
I stopped s a v o r i n g every day.
And now, 7 months later, I am just living a cycle of work/weekend/work in the place that I thought would change my life.
Not to say my life hasn’t changed, but something else my roommate mentioned today really made me think. She asked something like, “Well why are you feeling like that?” And continued by adding.. “There’s no need unless you think you are missing out on something, or not doing something you want.”
And honestly I have been thinking about that since I moved here. And if I break it down, the only thing I thought I was missing was money. I have a job I absolutely enjoy, it is exactly what I was looking for to get me into the job market in my field. I love the people I work with.. (although they are not nearly as great of friends as my last job #aeriegirlforlife ..sorry, had to) but the pay isn’t exactly helping me live the life I would like to. And don’t get me wrong, it’s not terrible.. it’s just tough.
And so maybe I just opened up a new door to myself. In writing that last sentence, I realized, maybe there is something missing.
I am recently starting to save for a trip to France. My plan is next year so I have time to save the money and build more vacation time. But in every dollar I save, something comes up. My car registration is in November.. and Christmas, of course, is in December. And never mind life happening.. like getting work done on my car that I need, so I can keep going to work!
So bringing this back a bit, I am missing something. More dreams. I have never traveled and France has been on my to-do list for years. At 32, I don’t feel the clock ticking as far as babies, or marriage, although one day I may still want those things.. But more so, I feel like everyday that passes, is another day gone. One less day I have to live another dream.
And like I wrote back in 2012, I don’t want time to go faster, I just want to enjoy now. I am excited for France, but I want to cherish the struggle it takes for me to get there. I want to appreciate my hard work and appreciate the time I have right now. I want to remember where I came from and be proud of what I have, and hopefully will, become.
Everyday is a blessing. And as much time that I think I may have.. I never really know.
It’s hard, I tell you. But I’m still trying. Because I don’t know what the future has in store. Even scarier, I don’t know when my last days will be. So really, I have nothing more than these moments of now. Nothing more than today.