resolutions are not life.

I dont even have to ask..

I know I’m not the only one out there who is hard on themselves. The thing with me is, I’m hard on myself about the little things. Important matters like work and relationships.. when things go wrong, I just look to find the answer and allow myself to explain why things happen. But the small things in everyday life that I think I can control.. if I feel like I miss something, it eats at me and literally pushes me into a hole.

It’s a matter of self control. I feel like I have a pretty good sense of one. However, in everyday moments I seem to make excuses for things I know I can control. Something a little as “No, I DO NOT need Buffalo Wild Wings for lunch..” Or all those times at the bar when I’m having some drinks.. I say no to a cigarette 99% of the time. But why.. why the 1%?! And when that lapse in judgment happens.. I get angry. I literally take a step back and question the things I can control. Because realistically there is little we can actually control; especially if you believe in anything spiritual, religious, or even zodiac-related. This is one of the main reasons I drive a standard; or stick-shift, as others call it.. manual.. whatever. Because have control over my vehicle. I can control my car.. yet I forget I can’t control everyone else driving.

Either way.. WHY?! Why does this happen? I know I am everything BUT perfect.. so why have these limits on myself? Or never mind limitations, at the very least, why be so hard on myself. Why? Because I clearly have control issues. Kind of. When it comes to me, I feel I should be the only one with any credible advice towards decisions. Life on the other hand.. I let happen.. and follow where it takes me. This might not make sense to some people.. probably because it makes no sense to me either. Because I AM LIFE. I can’t control anything except my own actions.. which almost negates itself with the fact that I can’t control anything else.

This whole rant came to mind because for the past few months, I have not taken care of myself physically. More health-wise than anything else. I’ve been lazy, and eating like crap. I’ve barely exercised and my body hates me. With this new year upon us, I know you are thinking I’m about 26 days too late.. (well I’ll have you know that I control when MY year starts) I realized I am not the person I thought I was.

“Who gets to determine when the old ends and the new begins? It’s not a day on the calendar, not a birthday, not a New Year. It’s an event. Big or small. Something that changes us. Ideally, it gives us hope. A new way of living and looking at the world. Letting go of old habits, old memories. What’s important is that we never stop believing we can have a new beginning. But it’s also important to remember that amid all the crap are a few things really worth holding on to.” -Greys Anatomy

So my sad small moments made me think of many resolutions for this new year.. the problem with those resolutions was that I was just telling myself to do things that I had previously done all along. Play volleyball again, go to gym more, eat better. Things that came naturally before that are now a struggle.. why was I not controlling that? It seemed simple enough. So I decided, my moment, my letting go of bad habits.. my belief in a new beginning.. it wasn’t going to start with resolving my prior year, it was going to start with me. Me, and my move. Me and my new experiences I have had in the past three months. Me, and MY new year. Me and, well.. more me.

Because resolutions are not life. They are nothing more than un-realistic expectations that we put on ourselves to change. And I don’t need to change. I just need to be better.. and by ‘better’ I mean a better person. I just need to make myself proud because as we know, I am my biggest critic.

3 months

I have been in California for three months now. Three. It feels like I’ve been here for years.

I have a job, my own little place, an amazing roommate, and I’ve even had a few sad rom com experiences with the male-kind. Everyday I wake up amazed at myself that I actually did this. I moved, 3-thousand miles away, (technically between 2,998 and 3,117mi depending on the route) and although I have family here, I had nothing else. I moved away from the only adult life I knew, the only cultures I’ve been accustomed to, and moved away form the only lifestyle that I thought mattered. I came here with no plan other than to survive. No job, no place to live.. a couple thousand in my pockets, and wide eyes. And I did this all at 31.

I was criticized by some, and I know I’m still criticized my many. But thankfully I have faith in myself, which is the only faith I need, and I made a life for myself. In three months.

In these three months I have already created my pros and cons list of the two worlds I come from. I honestly struggle everyday to figure out how I feel about them both and which ‘life’ is meant to be. I know neither place is necessarily better than the other, just different. Even so, I love both places and I am learning a lot about myself.. which really was the main reason why I moved.. to be away from everything I thought I knew and learn something new.

Here are a few things I’ve learned so far, and some things I always knew..

SoCal is more than LA and Hollywood.

California does have seasons.. it just depends where you are in the state to experience them.

In California, the beach culture is amazing.

Sadly, in a state where cultures thrive, the people are surprisingly not nearly as friendly as New England folk.. or as knowledgable of cars.

The gentlemen are in New England.

One thing I absolutely love about SoCal is that there are no societal expectations. People follow dreams here.

One thing I absolutely love about New England are the people.

I love both because there is a piece of me on each coast; one is my sunrise and one is my sunset. But one thing is for sure.. I came to a place that had no expectations of me, I came here with nothing.. and with barely 14 weeks under my belt I feel like I have everything.. except Bradley Cooper. But I’m sure that is just bound to happen.. I mean it’s only been three months.