best form of birth control.. other people’s children. Until you start to love them..

I knew the number one reason I wanted to move back to CA was because of family. The second reason was to follow dreams I hadn’t dreamt yet. With those dreams, I also thought I would be living the life of a socialite, a role that very much suited me in the North East.. and a role that thrives out here in the South West. However, the most social thing I have done recently is help my cousin take my niece and three of her friends to an amusement park for her 8th birthday.. with also trucking around my 16mo old nephew. Never mind the days where I’m helping watch my nephew and my other niece (who is 1yrs old).. which proves to be the greatest arm/shoulder/pectoral work out ever, but having to humor 4 third graders.. man, I forgot how exciting life as an 8yr old was. Or maybe it was more overwhelming then exciting.

Either way, I have only been in CA for 6 weeks (but it honestly feels like I’ve been here for years) so it doesn’t surprise me that I havent been able to live up to my socialite status yet. Focusing on finding a job was very life-consuming leaving me no time, or money, for friends. Also considering my perfect timing in moving.. right before the holidays.. I’ve been non-stop with family events and Thanksgiving. And of course, a month from today is Christmas. So really, my social status probably wont blossom until the new year.. which is my next challenge all in itself.

What DID surprise me though was the capability and patience (which is EXTREMELY difficult for me) I had to help take care of my nieces and nephews. Helping with homework, putting the babies down for naps, feeding, constant playing and distracting.. crazy I tell you. And more so, exhausting. I mean, I’ve never been terrible with kids, I just have absolutely no patience with them. So being able to manage screaming children and even getting them to stop? Well now, that’s a feat no one thought I would ever be able to accomplish, never mind enjoy. Theres the kicker.. I actually enjoy it. I love these kids. As crazy and wild, headache causing, and coffee requiring as they make me, Its like I’m helping nurture the future. I love the looks on their faces when they see me walk into the room. I know. I can’t believe I wrote those sentences too. And being with these crazy children makes me miss my brother and his four little ones even more. I’m starting to feel bad that I’m not able to be with them as much as I am with my cousins kids.

Now, don’t get all excited you people who know me.. I love these kids, but by no means will I start having ‘baby fever’. It is a strange emotional experience though.. that although the thought of me ever having my own children still makes me cringe, I now contemplate if I will ever have any. And Kelly, I don’t want to hear any ‘I told you so’ yet! Theres a still a long way for me to go before children ever become the forefront of my mind. For starters, there’s that socialite life I need to live first 😉 and of course, finding that someone who is worthy of me and my craziness.. in order to even make a baby.. which is far beyond important to me right now.

It’s just crazy that in 6 weeks, I fell in love with three kids. I make baby noises, I talk about Diary of a Wimpy Kid books, and I’m already planning a Christmas-movie-watching night with my cousin and my niece. I am THE auntie. I’m involved and helpful, and I’m able to give the children back! 😉 Hahaha! But honestly, that’s one thing that I am happy about though, because I always wanted to be THE auntie. We had that auntie growing up.. she wasn’t able to have children, so she raised us and treated us like her own. She was our biggest supporter, our biggest fan, and our biggest motivator. She prayed for us, took care of us, and even with me, being miles away.. she looked after us. When she passed away 3 years ago, it was the hardest thing my cousins and I ever had to deal with. It’s still hard sometimes, and like many things, we miss her most during the holidays. Maybe that’s why being THE auntie means so much to me. Because she may not have had her own, but she still had 6 children. And just like I tell my cousin every time we joke about me having kids.. I don’t need any.. because I already have 7.. which is such a perfect number. ❤


tiny rant.

Okay, maybe it’s not tiny.. But being it the week of Giving Thanks.. I keep seeing something on my social pages that is really starting to eat at me. << I don’t even know if that sentence makes sense. Anyway, I keep seeing miserable people.

We all have bad days.. I’m having one today. I have other days that are tough too, but I try and keep calm because why make my surroundings miserable? It’s not the world’s fault that I’m having a bad day. But I also know that I can’t help it sometimes and that was me today. I even posted on FB that I’m grumpy and I wanted help to make it stop..!

Maybe its me, but when I have a bad day, or if I’m going through something difficult I dont find it appropriate to divulge things via social pages. Yes, I did write about one difficult moment in my life this year on my blog, but that is ONE outlet, and it wasn’t constant. It was also not written for the mere purpose of attention. It was a story. I guess my point here in this week of Giving Thanks, is that I have seen many posts lately about people going through difficult times.. and “some days are worse than others”.. posting dramatic explanations of life and love and heartache.. People posting about how miserable life is.. Reaching out to their FB/twitter/whatever else you might use – family just to create a rise out of people.. In order for people to comment with sob similarities and some others who provide motivational mini speeches. I completely understand that during holiday seasons, what seems bad enough already, becomes a little more discontent.. I’ve actually seen it first hand in a bar on Christmas Eve once.

A major reoccurring theme during the holidays are people who worry about being single.. I get it. I myself will be spending my first Thanksgiving and Christmas in 5 years.. alone. Call me crazy, call me different, call me a liar, but my explanation to people and my thoughts on this are that no matter what coast I would be spending this first holiday season alone, I know I have people who love me, and I am not spending it alone. I have family, I have friends. More important, I have myself. We dont get those moments often, time to spend on ourselves.. and although nothing beats having companionship, what kind of companions can we really be without loving ourselves and experiencing the holidays in a light where you can see how others actually are. Seeing for once that without the fog of depending on someone, no relationship is perfect, no life is perfect. People are not perfect.

So rather than vent out daily, hourly, or every few minutes even, why not actually see the holidays, or every day for that matter, for what they are meant for.. Family/Friends: whether its by blood or by fate, without family and friends we would litterally have nothing. Being Thankful: nothing will ever be perfect, everything happens for a reason, and there is a time and place for everything. A bad day for me is obviously different for other people, but we should always be aware of what we actually have and how grateful it is to have those things. To be able to wake up everyday and have another chance that many people don’t have. Not just today, not just this week, but always. We can never control what happens around us or what people do to us, but we can always control our own actions and reactions.

I mean really, why do some people feel like they are the only people who ever had problems? No one else in the world or on FB, or twitter.. ever went through a break up? No one else ever lost their job? No one else ever fought with their family? No one else is hurting on the inside? No one else ever had a bad day..?! And come on, how many times can someone say “Don’t worry, things will get better”, ” You are stronger than that”, “Tomorrow is another day..” We know this already, why must we be constantly reminded? It’s like knowing 1+1=2 but still asking for the answer. Maybe this is another mini motivational speech for all the downers, but seriously, how many times do we need to hear it?! And when did social networking become a platform for public whining? How many moments will it take for us to be grateful for what we have?! To be grateful for the small things in front of us.. for just making it another day.. just breathing one more breath..

“Maybe we’re not supposed to be happy. Maybe gratitude has nothing to do with joy. Maybe being grateful means recognizing what you have for what it is. Appreciating small victories. Admiring the struggle it takes simply to be human. Maybe we’re thankful for the familiar things we know. And maybe we’re thankful for the things we’ll never know. At the end of the day, the fact that we have the courage to still be standing is reason enough to celebrate.” -Grey’s Anatomy

writing has feelings too.

Writing. It is such a powerful thing to be able to do. It provides new ideas, explains situations, tells a story, and in some instances, inflicts emotion.

Emotion: n. A state of feeling. A conscious mental reaction subjectively experienced as strong feeling usually directed toward a specific object and typically accompanied by physiological and behavioral changes in the body.

Emotion is a crazy thing. It allows you to feel out a situation and express yourself. Emotion can change your perspective on life, it can even make or break you. It is the very aspect of our being that allows us to connect to others.

Now.. writing and emotion.. this is a tricky thing. As stated, in some instances writing can inflict emotion.. however, unless you are reading a very well written novel, you can’t find proper expressions of emotion. Classic novels aside, lets talk about everyday writing. Like this blog, it is difficult to see exactly how a writer feels from their words. Even some novels, (which is why I stated ‘some instances’) one cannot tell the emotion from the writer. In this entire post for example, I could be sitting here laughing hysterically reading out the definition of Emotion, over enunciating certain words, and making a mockery of my ideas.. Even with as many emojis 🙂 , underlinesitalics, bold letters, or even bold italic underlines, expressing emotion through writing is difficult. You can’t hear tone, you can’t see a facial expression. And that is what emotion is.. ‘a strong feeling.. typically accompanied by behavioral changes in the body.’

So in all our Facebook statues, all our tweets, and all the blogs we read.. all we have in interpreting writing from someone, is our knowledge of them. It’s knowing what they sound like, knowing their tone, knowing facial expressions, eyebrow raises, smirks.. Without that, the perception idea comes back to mind.. writing becomes part of the world of assumptions. We have to remember that what we think the emotions are of what someone writes, may not be what the writer intended, or even what other people are thinking. And not to throw this into a 3rd dimension again, but what we respond with is also under the same discretion since those who do not know us will read without knowing how we feel. They are just words on a screen. I have seen many internet fights because of this, even on my own pages. I myself have had to reach out to the people who know me to remind them that other people will not understand my ideas, never mind their comments, so to be prepared for back lash..

And then I bring myself down to reality and think.. ‘It doesn’t matter what these people think of my words.. they don’t know me!’ But it does matter. Why?! Because even people who know me best still mis-interpret my words.. because again, they still can’t see me. They sometimes can’t determine if I’m serious, or sarcastic. I have to literally say ‘I’m serious.’ Now those situations are not common, but even still, it makes me think of the people I don’t know very well that I am getting to know now. Especially here, in what some people like to call LALA Land.. where drama is hiding behind every corner.. the entertainment and media industry focusing on every word, spoken, sung, or written.. I sometimes forget these people do not know me yet.. They’ve only tasted the icing.. and I’m a whole lot of cake!

Maybe it’s because I am in a new world, with little connections, as well as being recently single.. that I am more aware of what my messages interpret as. I can’t stand having to explain myself.. so I try to be more careful. But in all our writings, whether it be Facebook, twitter, texting, messaging.. remember that all the emoji in the world won’t be able to express your actual emotion. I don’t think its anything we can change, or fix..(unless we all just start posting video of ourselves) we can just be aware of it.

So, if I offend anyone, or give off the impression that I’m interested.. NO. No, I’m not sorry. You just don’t know me and there is not much I can do about interpretations of my written word. I can do my best, but it will never be perfect to everyone. But maybe, just maybe, one day everyone will be able to know and experience the honest-fun-enthusiastic-craziness that is Posh.. Maybe. And then all the critics can suck it.

“Those who know, don’t talk. And those who talk, don’t know.” -@CoffeeCocktail

do you see what I see?

In my previous posts I mention that perception is reality. A while back, I was confronted about a situation and I still don’t quite know what I had to do with it.. honestly, (theres that honesty again!) not many people really understood it either, except for maybe the people involved.. Even then, I don’t know if they quite understood it either. Anyway, without being anymore vague, this situation left me rather defeated. Everything that was happening was really out of my control. The only unfortunate part in all this, was that what I had perceived of the situation was not what the confronter was trying to explain. So in true honesty fashion, I presented my concern to said confronter. I knew my thoughts were not going to change anything, nor did I want them to, and I didn’t quite care what the explanation was, I just needed to get my feelings out. After an exchange of emotion, and a try at making me feel less miserable about myself, I realized: It didn’t matter what I thought, or what anyone thought. Nothing mattered. The situation practically didn’t exist anymore.. because no matter what was said, or who thought what, my perception was not going to change. And neither was the opposing side.

Perception (from the Latin perceptio, percipio)n. is the organization, identification and interpretation of sensory information in order to represent and understand the environment.

Perception. Its an interpretation.. of sensory information. Every.single.person. interprets or perceives their environment differently. 5 people see a car accident, you get 5 different explanations. It doesn’t even matter how close any of the explanations are.. something will be slightly off. Whether it be something as technical as the color of clothing the driver was wearing, or as basic as ‘who hit who’, every perceived story, every explanation, will be different.

Knowing this, it opened my eyes to an entirely different perspective as to why things are the way they are in life. Now I’m not trying to throw you into a 3rd dimension of thought or anything, but think about it. Something as little as friendships are viewed differently by different people. Why do you think some people get jealous of relationships and others don’t? Because peoples interpretations are not the same. Here’s an easy explanation: I have a friend who is male, and we have been friends since high school. Our relationship has always been platonic, there has never even been an awkward hug. However, being the social media freak I can be sometimes, I was advised to not mention or tag him with me every time we would meet up;  even if it was just a simple coffee break. The independent part of me was all up in arms because really, I had nothing to hide.. it was ridiculous. Anyone who knew us at all would state the same. However, even though I had met his girlfriend on several occasions, we did not have the same friends. And those friends who didn’t know me, would potentially perceive me to be some sort of wild hussy. And again, no matter the explanation to these people.. just like the initial vague story of explanation to me, it wasn’t going to change our perception. I will still think its ridiculous and they will still think I’m a wild hussy, because that is our reality. That is what we see.

Taking it a little further is the 3rd wheel scenario. I never knew this even existed until recently, and it made me re-evaluate every friendship I ever had. In friendships, especially in multiples, someone always feels left out. Sometimes it’s for different reasons, but that someone, is everyone. Everyone is the 3rd wheel. I feel this way in a friendship I have, and strangely enough, one of my friends also felt the same to some degree, and for similar reasons. Again, it changes nothing. We can’t change how we feel.. we cant change our ‘sensory information.’ Its our reality, its what we see, its how we feel. No matter what dynamic happens in the friendship, we may always feel this way. I say ‘may’ because of course its possible to change ones perception of something, anything is possible. With that, however, we have to remember that if our perception changes, so doesn’t someone else’s. And we are back to square one.

This is why even people in the same political party or even the same religion still argue with each other. This is why there will never be a ‘right’ call on the football field, or basketball court, or baseball diamond. This is why there is conflict in our world. we forget about perception. We forget that what reality is to us, may not be to someone else. And sometimes we forget to see, or try to understand, someone else’s reality. The whole point to life is to find out who you are and be an individual.. to think for yourself. So then why are we constantly working so hard trying to make others think or see things the way we do? Or vise versa. See life the way you see it.. just remember no one else has your eyes.

“Let reality be reality. Let things flow naturally forward in whatever way they like.” -Lao Tzu