the new tswift: blogger-style.

So Taylor Swift came out with an awesome new single this past week.. which honestly I hated when I first heard it, but it then grew on me, and now it’s on repeat ALL the time. One small controversy that came out with this new single, other than the fact that its 100% pop which upsets me, is the question of “WHO IS THE SONG ABOUT?!”

If you read any kind of periodical, or watch any portion of the news, you know that historically, Ms. Tswift sings about guys she has dated, loved, crushed, and so on.. So of course, once a new song comes out, no one cares about the catchy hook, or the lyrical melodies. The only thought running through peoples minds.. their sad, sad, minds, is “Who is the damn song about?!” Speculation is all over the radio, and even making headlines on magazines. Well, I say to you.. Who freakin cares?!

First of all, Tswift is winning here, because no matter who everyone thinks she’s singing about, she is the only one who knows. Even if she states it publicly, she is still winning because she can lie about it people! It might even be about a friends situation! Ever think of that!? Artists have one goal. To tell a story. So whether it is about family, friends, or your weekend at the beach, its all about the story. Not the people. I read in a book, that was written for writers, a piece of advice: (not verbatim) “Do not be concerned with the family or people involved in a story, its only about the story that you wanted to write.” The only people that matter, are those involved.. if they even know who they are.

I say that because, apparently I have become the new Tswift: blogger-style. I write about my life, about peoples lives, and everyday happenings. Recently I posted about my most recent break-up and a small portion of the aftermath. And although in much of the post, it relates to my most current relationship, a lot of the post was also about other issues I have had in previous relationships because it all tied-in so nicely. What is also interesting about it, is that not everyone who read it assumed my boyfriend and I had broken up. Either way, why do I need to explain that to people? All forms of  artistry whether it be art, writing, theatre, or song, is all left to ones perception or interpretation. So no matter what is presented, it will be viewed differently based on the eyes that see it. Or ears that hear it!

And anyway, even if I didn’t write about you, or Tswift didn’t sing about you, we still talked about you behind your back! So wouldn’t you rather a story be told eloquently, well written, or with a melody.. vs angry talk with out you knowing? Lastly, for those who still think they are the sole piece of attention in anyones writing, song, or painting.. I’ll let Carly Simon sing it to you:

“You’re so vain, you probably think this song is about you..
You’re so vain, I’ll bet you think this song is about you. Don’t you?”  -Carly Simon

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PSA

reason #3895 why having a blog is great:

You can vent about anything to the general public knowing only a handful of people know what you are talking about, then receive unsolicited constructive criticism, advice, and sometimes even appreciation for discussing everyday angst.

And now I present to you, my vent of the week:

First and foremost, I would like to apologize because I feel it was because of my ignorance that this had to happen to me, however, in situations that are similar, I do not do this type of behavior because I feel I’m socially aware of people’s personal space.

What I did wrong was update my relationship status on facebook. As normal as this sounds, I actually did NOT want it to be public so I deleted it off my feed on my personal page. Unfortunately, I did not realize that in doing so, it does not delete it off the regular news feed as well. As much as I love my facebook community, old and new friends.. I have my own group of close friends who I talk to everyday.. you know, like most people.

So, in a public service-style announcement, I would like to say.. the answer is.. NO. No, I don’t need anyone to talk to because I have friends who I have talked to already. No, I don’t want to hang out. No, I don’t want to explain anything to anyone because frankly, it’s none of anyone business unless I say it is. No, I don’t need all this random attention just because I’m single. I’m single NOT lonely, or depressed, or incapable of living everyday life. No, I don’t need help. So enough with all the messages and allow me to be the celebrity who enjoys their privacy.

And, if you are really concerned, the only attention I would like at this time is one from a knight in shining armor, approx 6″1′, preferably with a swimmer-esque build, no chest hair, and in his mid-late 20s. (we all know how much of a cougar I am). I also don’t like horses, so if you can be a sort of Chris Hemsworth-style knight who just runs around mostly, and can let the horse be, that would be awesome. A wine offering would also be accepted, again, only if you are what is described above. That’s it. I hope this helps.

Thank you for your time.

just an update.

So, it’s been a week. An emotional, exciting, entertaining week.

And during this week, I have realized I have become socially awkward. What happened to me?! Is that what being single does? I can barely talk to people at work without having to think about every word that comes out of my mouth. I flush at the most random times, and I apparently have difficulty holding down regular conversations.

I have said this time and again, but it IS such a strange feeling being single. It’s almost stressful! I love it though. Everything feels fresh, like I’ve never done it before. Maybe that explains my new found awesome ability to have terrible conversations.

Either way, it’s been a fun week, and I’m planning for the biggest exciting moment of my life. I’ve been talking about this since I was 13 and now it’s a done deal. IM MOVING BACK TO CALIFORNIA!!

The excitement has already started, and all I need left is an awesome going away, or more so, a coming home party 🙂

hello there, it’s nice to see me again.

I am back. In more ways than one.

I took a mini hiatus from my blog. And although I was not nearly as generous in explanation as fellow blogger and writing superstar Jodi Ambrose was when she took a little break, 😉 I, myself was in hiding nonetheless. A lot has ensued over the past week or two.. or three even, and I have many drafts floating around that now make no sense to me. I was having a personal struggle, one that only few people knew about. This struggle of mine, has also brought ME back.

I was waiting and waiting to write a new post. Racking my brain on how and what I was going to say or explain about my situation. I had a lot of “I’ve become that person I criticize” moments. So many times did I want to spew out all my issues and try to release all the stresses building up. But honestly, not everyone needs to know my issues, not in specifics at least, and it was probably better that way. If I had blogged about it, the outcome would probably have been different. I would have felt that in expressing my emotions, it was enough to calm me down, and in the end I would not have pulled myself out of my hole.  As I have said many a time, my life is not terrible, and this situation is no different. There are plenty of worldly problems, cancers, diseases, and pain that take up people’s lives. For me, it was just a small moment of identity loss. But if this has ever happened to you, losing yourself is worse than losing your car keys.

For a few years, I was living a life that was rational and made sense. I had a great relationship, a job that pays bills, and amazing friends. Unfortunately, in all the rationality and sense that was being made, I was digging myself into a hole of self-doubt. I took a job I don’t like, and I gave up on myself and what made me happy. I was too busy focusing on making someone else happy. It’s no ones fault but my own, and knowing that was eating at me. Starting this blog was the beginning of me breaking free again, stepping outside the comfortable. My creative juices started to flow.. and I started to divulge into what was inside me. I thought about volleyball, I thought about coaching. I thought about martinis and running, and little black dresses. I thought about my family A LOT. I thought about home. I thought about my eccentricities that most people don’t understand with me, but that my friends love about me. I thought about being Posh. I thought about the expectations my parents had for me, and then I realized, my parents just expected me to be happy, and it was ME who was not living up to my OWN expectations.

I kept myself in a safe place. I moved along with societal expectations, got involved in “normal” to-do’s. My friends were starting to get married and they are now starting to have babies. The questions started popping up towards me, “So Kara, when will you.. ” So many times have I had to explain to people that marriage and kids, and houses and white picket fences, are not for me. This is hard for people to understand. Is it bad that I have a sense of ‘pride’ in being alone, single? And I’m not talking about being available here, but independent. The moment I realized I was not doing things for myself anymore, but rather for someone else, I started crumbling. The arguments of settling down and selfishness I know are out there, but if I don’t feel like I can stand on my own, how am I supposed to stand next to someone.. without them holding me up?

I’ve always had a stubborn independence in me. Call me crazy, but I’ve always seen myself in a ‘Melrose Place’ sort of complex, with a shared pool, meeting all my neighbors and having cocktails on our balconies. And when I retire, I see myself in FL with a whole lot of old people in a community having wine everyday at noon. Aside from all the alcohol, I see myself surrounded by people and being a part of a community. Like I mentioned, I don’t want to be alone, I just want to be me. I see myself visiting my nieces and nephews, seeing them on holidays, and being a role model. I see myself being successful at being unconventional. I see myself becoming a writer, a coach, a volleyball player again (most likely in an old people league, but playing nonetheless!). I see myself living by the ocean, making an impact to society, and changing people’s lives. I may not be able to change the world, but I can be the one positive influence in someone’s life that may change their perspective. Call me a dreamer, but I see these things.

I’ve always seen these things. Yet for some reason, I held them back the last few years. This past week however, after a text to a friend and a prayer, something happened. Those who know me will call it fate, but I had one of those “sometimes the-hardest-thing-and-the-right-thing-are-the-same-thing” moments. My mind was reeling, I could barely eat, my stress was through the roof, and I was making myself sick. But finally, after all the internal aching, it is over. I am free. I am ME.

I am not feeling good by any means where I am right now.. I feel like I lost my best friend. Yesterday was a miserable day. But now there is freedom to follow dreams and accomplish goals. Freedom to do better. Everyday that goes by is another new beginning. It will be hard, it IS hard, it will take time, and it will completely SUCK. But like all things, it will get better. I have to keep reminding myself of what I want.. That “life begins at the end of your comfort zone..”  and I can’t wait to get uncomfortable.

“It’s time to begin, isn’t it?
I get a little bit bigger, but then I’ll admit
I’m just the same as I was
Now don’t you understand
That I’m never changing who I am” ~Imagine Dragons