Laguna Beach.. A life lesson?

So, I watched a mini marathon of Laguna Beach today. I know you’re jealous 😉 Season 2 was on, which was fantastic, because its my favorite of the 3 seasons. And for the sake of my wild fan-isms, can I just get a show of hands of Lauren Conrad fans?! I absolutely love her, where she comes from, and what she has done for herself.. amazing fashionista, she is.

While the finale was closing up, it got me to thinking about a few things: high school, college, and California. It took me back to a place where the world was in front of me and anything was possible. I don’t mean to relate this to my last post, but I thought about my life choices.. and where I was when ‘LC’ and Stephen graduated from Laguna High School. I was 24. I was probably making bad decisions. And this is where I guess the connection from my last post comes in.

I look at my life now, and really, its not all that bad. I have a job I don’t like, but its a job nonetheless.. my bills gets paid, I have no debt, I eat everyday. I have a gym membership I don’t us as often as I should, I have cable (score!), and I have amazing friends who double as my family. Honestly, they are the shining stars in my life. AND, as simple as it may sound, I have LIFE. I am alive, and I am healthy.

After the credits started to roll, and I was wondering when the next marathon would be on, I starting saying to myself.. “I have so many regrets…no, not regrets, but I definitely didn’t make the choices I thought I would make when I was younger. If I just didn’t…” And that’s where I consciously stopped myself. I was about to blame this “normal” life I had, on something. I was about to blame it on getting married. I was married in June of 2001. I was 20, and 6 months later, right before my 21st birthday, I was legally separated. Then, divorced by August. Within a year, I had been married, filed lots of paper work, fought over a measly $1,000, changed my name twice, and was single again before I knew it. I wouldn’t call it traumatizing, but it was definitely a huge emotional strain I never planned to have by my 21st birthday. The relationship was sour from the start and, blame it on being young, but I knew and wanted to end that relationship before that wedding.. and maybe its that decision that I regret so much. I blame myself. for making bad decisions.

That got me to thinking.. these choices we make, we have to live with them.. take ownership of them, and hopefully learn from them. So why do we make bad ones? Is that the learning part? Like I was saying before, I don’t have a terrible life by any means. And all the “bad” decisions got me here, maybe with nothing more than amazing friends, but if thats the one ‘amazing’ thing I get out of all this, I’ll take it. That being the case, why am I not happy where I am in this ‘normal’ life? Why do I just keep going day by day.. feeling like I am missing out on something? Why am I not making a change? What choices led me here? Mind you, I’m not looking to become famous, or even important. I would however, like my blog to do well 🙂 But other than that, I’m not looking for a grand, fancy lifestyle. I just want what is waiting for me. I have an itch that leads me to believe I have a greater purpose than to sell bras and undies and to sit at home and watch “House Hunters”. I don’t even WANT to buy a house! More recently have I been feeling that ache, like something needs to happen. Something abnormal? But I keep feeling like I’m passing things by, even little things. I keep kicking myself for not going to the gym. Everyday I’m on the edge, I choose not to go. I make excuses. I wanted to submit my 1min audition to be Co-Host for the day on “Live! with Kelly”. See?! That could have been my chance! But again, excuses. Maybe too, because I don’t seem to do as well as I thought thinking on my feet. I’ve noticed I do much better after having thought about something. Comebacks for example, give me a day or two and I have a mean comeback on any comment. Another example is my writing. My blogs that get more feedback are better than others because I review them and I edit. Maybe this long thought process is reason for my lack of decision making. Laguna Beach reminded me of that. Or at least the idea of California did. I have been wanting to move back to California since the day my plane landed in Boston. That was 18 years ago. Gross. I hate doing life math. I was 13 and my parents are divorced, so it was my time to move out to live with my mother on the opposite coast of where I was born and raised. High School went by and I finally had a chance to go back. I looked at the University of California, San Diego. But I also wanted to play volleyball. I had been playing since I was 9 and like any child athlete, I wanted to go to the olympics. Obvi. Therefore, I HAD to play in college. The only school who looked at me, however, was NOT in CA. So where did I go? To a state school south of Boston. And what happened my freshman year? I quit because my then fiancé told me it was hindering our relationship.. and then what happened after that? Oh yah we got married and divorced in one year. During all that, I transferred to a private college in NH and played my junior and senior year. What was wrong with me?! Who let me make these bad decisions?! Oh right, I did. Why did no one at least slap me?! A better question I constantly asked myself back then was, “Why didn’t I at least try, be a walk-on.. take a chance.” When did I become weak?!

As we divulge into a small portion of my personal life, I bring it back to me watching all the hopefulness of the future via a Laguna Beach season finale of graduation, going off to college, saying goodbye to childhood friends, and making a fresh start. Old feelings suddenly came back to bite me in the ass. Because really, I’m old enough now where I can move if I want. I have a whole colony of Liwanag’s out west to help me, support me, and take me in with open arms. I won’t have to cry every time I leave LAX anymore, my brother will only be a 2 hour plane ride vs the 5-6hr flight I do now. (He’s in the army, and stationed outside Seattle) In total, I have 5 nieces, one of which I haven’t even met yet, and 2 nephews, one who I also haven’t met yet. And maybe thats what I feel I’m missing out on? Family.. being a part of their lives. I have never had the desire to have children myself, so being away from my family of children must be starting to take a toll.

That being the case, why have I not gone back yet?! Why have I continued to make mediocre decisions everyday? I’ve been making excuses for 18 years. What will it take for me to finally decide to move back home? Money? Maybe. A job lined up? Another maybe. A good friend said it like this to me, (not verbatim) ” Maybe something inside you is not ready to make that decision. Decisions happen when its time to make them.” So is it timing then? What about that saying.. ‘The time is NOW’?

I’m sure there is scientific rational for all my questions, and more than that, probably lots of spiritual rational. Even so, I’m still here, in a city outside of Boston wondering when I’ll be strong enough to make the leap. I don’t even know why this decision is so difficult. Maybe I should go to the gym more often.

On a side note: Happy Birthday to my niece Lydia! Love you! She’s a whopping 6yrs old today 🙂

(OMG is it bad I totally teared up writing that!)

didn’t your mother ever teach you that pointing is bad?

DISCLAIMER: May become slightly spiritual or largely philosophical, or both. Or possibly neither, hope you enjoy it anyway!

I feel like I learn something new everyday.

Whether it’s something interesting, such as, “What differentiates a ‘college’ vs a ‘university’? Or even “What does being a ‘tenured’ teacher mean?” And sometimes, I learn useless things like, “Miley got engaged!” Or, “What?! Chris Hemsworth is married with child!?” Oh social media and smart people.. {sigh} teaching me little snip-its of life, one crazy or important thing at a time.

Point here is I learned something again. This time, it was a week long process.. mainly because I ran into a few people who made me question humanity.

Not to brag, but I know a LOT of people. (HAHAHA I laughed out loud typing that) But really. I know people I grew up with, I know people I went to high school with, and those I went to college with. I also know lots of people I have worked with. I even know celebrities. I mean, I don’t KNOW them, but I know what I know from media and wikipedia.

Of these people, many have inspired me, motivated me, helped me, made me laugh, and some even love me 🙂 Of all these people though, there is a defining factor on who I keep by my side, while others just continue on in my life as bits and pieces. Its always one question I ask myself. In true Carrie Bradshaw form: “When it comes to relationships..”  Umm no, I meant to say “Do you point the finger at yourself?”

People who take ownership for what comes their way, good or bad, are people I keep close. We all make mistakes, but it is always us who make that decision on how to act upon it. A friend posted on twitter “Strong people make as many mistakes as weak ones do. But the strong ones admit their mistakes, laugh about it & learn from it.” Life isn’t easy. And all these people I know have a story. Now, I’m not going to divulge into sad stories of my own childhood or life because, really, I don’t consider it to be that awful. However, many people, after learning some information, may think it was. I had a conversation with a lovely friend of mine about this, and about how people persevere through bad situations. In this conversation, to give an example, I pulled the Oprah card. Oprah (a celebrity, that I can say, I’m not the only one who knows her 😉 ) had a terrible childhood. It’s known about her struggles, rape, abortion, and so forth. But it is also known about how she made a decision that if there was nothing left, she at least had herself. And it was OPRAH, who made herself into what she is today.

I love the Oprah card because, although her situation is a little extreme, she is a great example of what I learned: that everyone has a Choice. A choice to make your life what you want it and stop blaming others and society. I’m not saying to place ‘blame’ on yourself, but more ownership on what you choose your life to become. Oprah could have become a statistic, saying her childhood was a failure, the people who abused her ruined her life. No. Instead she woke up one day taking ownership for things that have happened. You think she would say, “oh yah that rape made me famous.”? “Those people who thought I was nothing, yah they helped get me my first job.”? Doubt it. Oprah herself made her what she has become. Instead of placing blame on her environment, she made a choice to become better than that.

One of the greatest gifts we have from God is the ABILITY to make CHOICES. Not only did God allow us the choice to follow HIM or not, we also choose to take a shower, to be angry, to go to the gym. With anything in life (and I try to remind myself of this often) there are always better situations, but we always forget that there are worse. Whatever you believe, especially in regards to ‘fate’, we may have a destination, but it’s our choice in what that journey will look like. I apparently like the mountainous route.

I know we have all heard this story before. Choice. And I know sometimes certain choices are fairly non-negotiable like going to work; but it is still a choice. What we have in front of us now did not just happen today, yesterday, or last month even. It began with a series of choices we allowed ourselves from the moment we were presented with that gift. And trust me. Its not easy to look in the mirror and think, “hmmm you there, are YOU my problem?” It’s easy to play the blame game and point fingers.. “my health” ..”my job” ..”Johnny didn’t help me.” All these things, health especially, are life-long decisions. We know some people have it easier than others, but it’s still a choice of how you treat your body and what you put into it.

I have a hard time understanding these types of people who feel that life owes them something. Why choose to depend on society? Why be dependent on those around you? Even family, friends.. because even the closest will not be there forever. There comes a time in your life when you are able to formulate ideas, thoughts, decisions, all by yourself. So why give that up an depend on others for those decisions? Why allow others to hold YOUR FATE?

We don’t have to subject ourself to others’ responsibility. It’s a choice to see the things you can do for yourself. Because when you get to those pearly gates, its just you. And you might only have thumbs left.

blockage and bras.

I’m having bloggers-block.

I assume this is a real thing.. I mean if writers can get blocked, bloggers can too. We are a form of writing, after all.. So this blog is pretty much about the ‘nonsense’ I mentioned in my “about me” page. I figure writing nonsense is better than not writing at all. At least it keeps my blog fresh, considering I haven’t blogged in almost a month!

Lets start with my morning.. I woke up fairly early and headed to the laundry mat. I was driving in absolutely gorgeous weather with my windows down, my hair in a wild frenzy, some New Direction and Maroon 5 on the radio.. A blanket of sun was covering every inch of the highway.. it was beautiful. And then.. I’m parked. And come to find out, I forgot my hangers, detergent, bleach, and dryer sheets. But “Live with Kelly!” is on! and Joel McHale is guest hosting.. LOVE him! Saw him live once, at a super classy place called the Casino Ballroom in Hampton Beach. [insert sarcasm here] But this detergent/hanger/bleach/dryer sheets situation was not fixing itself, and I was not planning on driving all the way home again.. Or maybe I should have! The drive alone would have been worth it. Well I didn’t. Instead, I spent $4.50 on three packets of detergent, a packet of bleach, and two packets of dryer sheets. I then drove over to Target while my clothes were in the wash and spent another $7 on hangers, and $2 on a breakfast sandwich from the cafe. $11 is probably more than the gas I would have used to drive home. (I don’t count breakfast, because I would have spent that anyway) Oh well, it made for a neat little adventure to Target and more time outside.

As the Nate Berkus show starts to come on, my laundry is drying and I’m swiftly folding clothes into neat little piles. Theres a wonderful cross-breeze coming through the doors, and I love when my hair starts blowing in a whirl-wind sort of way, I feel like I’m in a music video.. or hair product commercial, which ever makes me look more fantastic.

If you are still reading at this point, good for you! Im sure your excited to find out what happens next!

After all the suspense.. I took my laundry and drove it back home. After my 3 trips from my car to the apartment, (I had hanging items too) I decide to change. I really wasn’t feeling my first outfit of the day. I figure I’ll stick with my distressed denim shorts, a regular summer staple, but just find a more comfortable top. I was wearing a bright orange tank with a beach scene and palm trees screen-prtinted on it, and a convertible nude bra that I made into a razor-back so my straps would be hidden. Oh don’t you worry, my bra is an important ingredient in the outfit salad of my day.. This bra that I was wearing, is a regular undergarment that is not meant to be seen. However, for some reason, on my right side, and my right side only, (trust me, I checked the left!) said bra was just chillin saying hello to people! I had a small moment of embarrassment knowing I had been running around all morning looking like that. Rather than question the quality of my tank, I decided to just find a better option of both items all together. I decided to try something new and exciting. I have never done this before, so I was somewhat thrilled at the outfit-experience I’m about to describe. I chose a multi-colored bandeau-style concert bra in blue and berry tones. I set it to a razor-back-look like my last bra, and paired it with a berry colored loose tank that has a little pocket on the left side like a tee-shirt. Now, you might be sitting there wondering, CONCERT bra? Yes. Working in a bra and undie store, who apparently were the first to advertise these things in the mall, I know a lot about them. Think about it, someone out there sat down and thought up an idea for a CONCERT bra. Here is an informal definition below.

Concert Bra: N. A bra made to wear at concerts and festivals that is made in a bathing-suit-type material that resembles a top for matters of thunderstorms, rain, or potential mud-sliding. This ‘bra’ is MEANT TO BE SEEN. Made in three known styles: bandeau, bustier, and triangle top.

You heard me. This bra can say hello to people all it wants because it is meant to be a top. Do we remember these from Madonna’s old days?! Bra-tops.. Really now? Well my concert bra is more of an accessory rather than a bra or a top. But it did alleviate my last ‘regular’ bra’s issue of being seen when it was not supposed to. I mean, c’mon now, this concert bra can be seen by people and no one will think I’m strange. Or at least thats the idea.

After this personal struggle of the seen, or not to be seen bra, my day continued with another lovely drive, this time, to B&N. Or as most people call it, Barnes and Noble. After getting out of my car, again in the gorgeous weather, shoulders bare, with my bra meaning to be seen, it was like I had turned into the hippie I always wanted to be. I was so excited about this new experience, I had to text a friend about it.

So as you can see, this was the highlight of my day. And here I am, still at B&N typing away at nonsense and a newfound interest in concert bras. Im so hip now. Hopefully my evening consists of something more interesting and maybe my blogging-block will end and I can type about something a little more entertaining. Or at least life changing.. or humorous, I’ll take humorous. Not like this piece wasn’t hysterical enough.