So, I watched a mini marathon of Laguna Beach today. I know you’re jealous 😉 Season 2 was on, which was fantastic, because its my favorite of the 3 seasons. And for the sake of my wild fan-isms, can I just get a show of hands of Lauren Conrad fans?! I absolutely love her, where she comes from, and what she has done for herself.. amazing fashionista, she is.
While the finale was closing up, it got me to thinking about a few things: high school, college, and California. It took me back to a place where the world was in front of me and anything was possible. I don’t mean to relate this to my last post, but I thought about my life choices.. and where I was when ‘LC’ and Stephen graduated from Laguna High School. I was 24. I was probably making bad decisions. And this is where I guess the connection from my last post comes in.
I look at my life now, and really, its not all that bad. I have a job I don’t like, but its a job nonetheless.. my bills gets paid, I have no debt, I eat everyday. I have a gym membership I don’t us as often as I should, I have cable (score!), and I have amazing friends who double as my family. Honestly, they are the shining stars in my life. AND, as simple as it may sound, I have LIFE. I am alive, and I am healthy.
After the credits started to roll, and I was wondering when the next marathon would be on, I starting saying to myself.. “I have so many regrets…no, not regrets, but I definitely didn’t make the choices I thought I would make when I was younger. If I just didn’t…” And that’s where I consciously stopped myself. I was about to blame this “normal” life I had, on something. I was about to blame it on getting married. I was married in June of 2001. I was 20, and 6 months later, right before my 21st birthday, I was legally separated. Then, divorced by August. Within a year, I had been married, filed lots of paper work, fought over a measly $1,000, changed my name twice, and was single again before I knew it. I wouldn’t call it traumatizing, but it was definitely a huge emotional strain I never planned to have by my 21st birthday. The relationship was sour from the start and, blame it on being young, but I knew and wanted to end that relationship before that wedding.. and maybe its that decision that I regret so much. I blame myself. for making bad decisions.
That got me to thinking.. these choices we make, we have to live with them.. take ownership of them, and hopefully learn from them. So why do we make bad ones? Is that the learning part? Like I was saying before, I don’t have a terrible life by any means. And all the “bad” decisions got me here, maybe with nothing more than amazing friends, but if thats the one ‘amazing’ thing I get out of all this, I’ll take it. That being the case, why am I not happy where I am in this ‘normal’ life? Why do I just keep going day by day.. feeling like I am missing out on something? Why am I not making a change? What choices led me here? Mind you, I’m not looking to become famous, or even important. I would however, like my blog to do well 🙂 But other than that, I’m not looking for a grand, fancy lifestyle. I just want what is waiting for me. I have an itch that leads me to believe I have a greater purpose than to sell bras and undies and to sit at home and watch “House Hunters”. I don’t even WANT to buy a house! More recently have I been feeling that ache, like something needs to happen. Something abnormal? But I keep feeling like I’m passing things by, even little things. I keep kicking myself for not going to the gym. Everyday I’m on the edge, I choose not to go. I make excuses. I wanted to submit my 1min audition to be Co-Host for the day on “Live! with Kelly”. See?! That could have been my chance! But again, excuses. Maybe too, because I don’t seem to do as well as I thought thinking on my feet. I’ve noticed I do much better after having thought about something. Comebacks for example, give me a day or two and I have a mean comeback on any comment. Another example is my writing. My blogs that get more feedback are better than others because I review them and I edit. Maybe this long thought process is reason for my lack of decision making. Laguna Beach reminded me of that. Or at least the idea of California did. I have been wanting to move back to California since the day my plane landed in Boston. That was 18 years ago. Gross. I hate doing life math. I was 13 and my parents are divorced, so it was my time to move out to live with my mother on the opposite coast of where I was born and raised. High School went by and I finally had a chance to go back. I looked at the University of California, San Diego. But I also wanted to play volleyball. I had been playing since I was 9 and like any child athlete, I wanted to go to the olympics. Obvi. Therefore, I HAD to play in college. The only school who looked at me, however, was NOT in CA. So where did I go? To a state school south of Boston. And what happened my freshman year? I quit because my then fiancé told me it was hindering our relationship.. and then what happened after that? Oh yah we got married and divorced in one year. During all that, I transferred to a private college in NH and played my junior and senior year. What was wrong with me?! Who let me make these bad decisions?! Oh right, I did. Why did no one at least slap me?! A better question I constantly asked myself back then was, “Why didn’t I at least try, be a walk-on.. take a chance.” When did I become weak?!
As we divulge into a small portion of my personal life, I bring it back to me watching all the hopefulness of the future via a Laguna Beach season finale of graduation, going off to college, saying goodbye to childhood friends, and making a fresh start. Old feelings suddenly came back to bite me in the ass. Because really, I’m old enough now where I can move if I want. I have a whole colony of Liwanag’s out west to help me, support me, and take me in with open arms. I won’t have to cry every time I leave LAX anymore, my brother will only be a 2 hour plane ride vs the 5-6hr flight I do now. (He’s in the army, and stationed outside Seattle) In total, I have 5 nieces, one of which I haven’t even met yet, and 2 nephews, one who I also haven’t met yet. And maybe thats what I feel I’m missing out on? Family.. being a part of their lives. I have never had the desire to have children myself, so being away from my family of children must be starting to take a toll.
That being the case, why have I not gone back yet?! Why have I continued to make mediocre decisions everyday? I’ve been making excuses for 18 years. What will it take for me to finally decide to move back home? Money? Maybe. A job lined up? Another maybe. A good friend said it like this to me, (not verbatim) ” Maybe something inside you is not ready to make that decision. Decisions happen when its time to make them.” So is it timing then? What about that saying.. ‘The time is NOW’?
I’m sure there is scientific rational for all my questions, and more than that, probably lots of spiritual rational. Even so, I’m still here, in a city outside of Boston wondering when I’ll be strong enough to make the leap. I don’t even know why this decision is so difficult. Maybe I should go to the gym more often.
On a side note: Happy Birthday to my niece Lydia! Love you! She’s a whopping 6yrs old today 🙂
(OMG is it bad I totally teared up writing that!)